I don't know how many of you formally or consciously set New Year Resolutions, but I know without a shadow of a doubt... that I am not one of those people.
My resolutions in the past have been absurd; ranging from "I will not have any missing assignments" in my 7th grade science class to, "I will go to the gym three times a week."
I had many more missing assignments, and I hate going to the gym - I truly don't enjoy sweating.
As 2017 wrapped up I realized there was a lot going on in my life that I didn't have the energy to deal with. I was at a new job - one that is far more intellectually, emotionally and professionally demanding than I have previously had to deal with - and I felt very alone in my own personal life.
I realize that I'm not very alone. I have many close and dear friends who I can lean on, and hopefully they can lean on me as well. But what I didn't like was this weird pressure I noticed I put on myself. Part of it was that I had a hard time cutting myself some dang slack, but there was something else -- something even now I can't necessarily put my finger on.
Perhaps I have a problem - and perhaps I have finally gained enough life experience to learn something vitally important to being a happy, functioning adult. I would consider myself someone who lives for the ideal situations... and I foolishly think I can control my surrounding enough to force them into that territory: where everything is perfect, fair ... and I am the judge of what that is.
My bestie, who lives in Tennessee (boo the year 2017 FYI), once gave me a piece of advice. At the time I almost scoffed at this, but it's something that has oddly never left me. I was complaining about how dating totally sucks (because it totally does), and she started talking about the kind of vibes we put out into the universe.
You see, I'm one of those people that wants the perfect scenario and whatever that is, I think waiting around for it to suddenly... happen... is worth all the time spent not being what I want it to be. Yikes... that's a mouthful at the very least. I hope you caught my meaning...
As 2017 wrapped up and 2018 kicked off I kept processing this piece of advice. It has been a game changer. And I inadvertently adopted a resolution that seems to be sticking. Even now I can't figure out how to really wrap it up in one awesome statement - I'm not even sure if I'm making sense. But it is helping. It is inspiring me to self reflect on a level I haven't had to do in years, maybe ever.
It's a combination of truly, deeply and genuinely letting go of things I seem to be waiting around to be magically "fixed," - taking them for what they are and moving forward in a way that makes sense to me. To help put to rest parts of my conflicted soul. Cut my losses. Embrace the openness in it's absence.
My 2018 is about learning how to be vulnerable in a way that makes me brave. Creating boundaries. Making memories. Changing the energy I'm giving out into the universe so that, maybe, one day the universe will see fit to change what is in store for me.
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Late Night Ramblings
Tonight I find myself in a predicament. It's late, I'm tired, and I'm upset. During sunshine hours the upset part wouldn't be bothering me too much. However, like magic, when the sun goes down I become a crazy emotional basketcase.
I haven't made up my mind to actually ramble during this blog, or blog about what is bothering me.
How about I make a list. A list of the 5 things I overthink of the most at night? Yeah, that sounds mildly entertaining...
1. Magnum's behavior before he falls asleep which is nice and loud. Grooming himself, readjusting how he's on his pet bed, and yawning. Really... the grooming thing drives me CRAZY.... but he's sweet and falls asleep with his black Kong Ball. And sometimes, like last night, I wake up and the only part of him that's on his pet bed is his butt and hind legs... which it hysterical. I love my dog, and his returned love is a welcome consistent thing in my life.
2. My job. I probably think far too much about my job on a regular basis, but it's just because I care so much about it. School's gonna start up again soon and I'm having to make some decisions and sometimes it takes me a while to land on the one idea/plan that feels right... in my gut. Those are always the best ideas...
3. My love life. This ranges the two extremes ... "I'm so glad that I'm not tied up in someone else's life at the moment when my life is so crazy" to "I am so lonley, why does no one love me?" And everything in between. Lately the realization I have admitted to myself is definitely NOT helping. And people in happy dating relationships piss me off just by existing. Conclusion: my heart hurts too much at night.
4. The mind battle of "I should lose weight" to "I should love my body the way it is." Nuff said, ladies? Everyone has this one.
5. What is going on tomorrow. For example, I have to go up to Klamath in the morning and I have spent too much time realizing and thinking about how many bugs are smashed onto the Jeep. And whether or not I should clean it multiple times because every time I come home from Klamath it's like I didn't wash my car at all...
Honorary Mention: THE MEANING OF LIFE!
I'm sure most of you can relate....
That is all.
I haven't made up my mind to actually ramble during this blog, or blog about what is bothering me.
How about I make a list. A list of the 5 things I overthink of the most at night? Yeah, that sounds mildly entertaining...
1. Magnum's behavior before he falls asleep which is nice and loud. Grooming himself, readjusting how he's on his pet bed, and yawning. Really... the grooming thing drives me CRAZY.... but he's sweet and falls asleep with his black Kong Ball. And sometimes, like last night, I wake up and the only part of him that's on his pet bed is his butt and hind legs... which it hysterical. I love my dog, and his returned love is a welcome consistent thing in my life.
2. My job. I probably think far too much about my job on a regular basis, but it's just because I care so much about it. School's gonna start up again soon and I'm having to make some decisions and sometimes it takes me a while to land on the one idea/plan that feels right... in my gut. Those are always the best ideas...
3. My love life. This ranges the two extremes ... "I'm so glad that I'm not tied up in someone else's life at the moment when my life is so crazy" to "I am so lonley, why does no one love me?" And everything in between. Lately the realization I have admitted to myself is definitely NOT helping. And people in happy dating relationships piss me off just by existing. Conclusion: my heart hurts too much at night.
4. The mind battle of "I should lose weight" to "I should love my body the way it is." Nuff said, ladies? Everyone has this one.
5. What is going on tomorrow. For example, I have to go up to Klamath in the morning and I have spent too much time realizing and thinking about how many bugs are smashed onto the Jeep. And whether or not I should clean it multiple times because every time I come home from Klamath it's like I didn't wash my car at all...
Honorary Mention: THE MEANING OF LIFE!
I'm sure most of you can relate....
That is all.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Rage Blog: Expectations and Rom-Coms
So, if you are anything like me, you will probably identify with the subject of this blog.
I stream Netflix more than anyone really should - and the other day I was "in the mood" for a Romantic Comedy. I found a cute movie staring Haley Duff called "The Wedding Pact" and proceeded to sort of waste about an hour and a half of my life.
This particular movie is about a boy and girl who were best friends in college and the poor guy was never given the chance by the girl to date, but, of course, she loved him and she came up with this stupid pact that if they were both un-married in ten years, they would just you know... marry each other. Not the brightest idea in the world but hey, plot.
And of course it all works out. And it just... pissed me off. Let me tell you the extent of my dating life. From the ages of 0-24, I was single. Well I had a "boyfriend" when I was a tween but I was SO shy I couldn't even talk to him so I don't count him as an adult anymore. I dated a guy throughout 2013 and it didn't work out because he and I didn't want the same things out of life. And then I met a guy online who I thought was pretty wonderful... until he chickened out on me one too many times. And if I 'm 100% honest with myself, and with you (whomever may read this), I have on-again off-again feelings for a man... going on like 7 yrs here people... If my life were a romantic comedy I would not have had to force the off-switch. Whatever that means.
Here's the thing that made me upset with "The Wedding Pact." I have spent the vast majority of my life watching romantic comedies that have set up completely unrealistic expectations of men in my life. When a guy I really cared about moved across the country, I wanted him to make US happen despite the odds and the difficulty. I wanted to inspire my ex-boyfriend to put me where I belonged in his life. I wanted my online beau to be a as brave as I was.
I wanted all these men to step up to the plate, and do some huge romantic gesture - because I think that I'm worth someone leaping through figurative fiery hoops of death for. The reality is, I've been disappointed - all because of the unrealistic expectations that Romantic Comedies have instilled in my estrogen ruled brain.
But, wait a minute, that can't be all true, can it? I mean, let's be honest here, a lot can be realistically done without being melodramatic and meeting at the top of the Empire State Building right? And... quite frankly, the idea that I shouldn't have ANY expectations of people is really lame. So let's explore what COULD have been done in some instances that include me and my other girl friend.
I've got an easy one: my online beau could have TOLD me that he didn't want to meet me. Instead I had to get pretty darn cranky and then... I love this part... interpret silence. And subsequently feel like an idiot.
An old friend of mine, too, has been blown off recently in a similar manner. Often blind-sided, and with a serious lack of closure. Here's a quick part of our conversation:
Her: "So this past week I texted him on Monday asking when I was going to see him again and I didn't hear from him... So I texted him on Thursday and asked him if I was ever going to see him again, trying to be all joking-like."
Me: "I don't like where this is going...."
Her: "He proceeds to tell me that he's met up with someone from his past. But he feels really guilty cause I was so amazing and sweet and beautiful."
Me: "I'll telepathically kill him if you want me to.... and if you were so amazing why did he have no problem blowing you off?"
So. My point is... maybe the huge romantic gestures are NOT realistic... but I believe common decency is. And not stringing us ladies along... because I can tell you without hesitation that I'd rather be told something that hurts my feelings and that I don't necessarily want to hear... over being left to wonder what the heck is going on. Because that's super degrading and shame on you... internet beau of mine, and the other guy from my friends' love life... shame on you for not having the courage within yourself, or the respect for me and my friend to tell us the truth. For making us have to defend and stick up for ourselves.
I stream Netflix more than anyone really should - and the other day I was "in the mood" for a Romantic Comedy. I found a cute movie staring Haley Duff called "The Wedding Pact" and proceeded to sort of waste about an hour and a half of my life.
This particular movie is about a boy and girl who were best friends in college and the poor guy was never given the chance by the girl to date, but, of course, she loved him and she came up with this stupid pact that if they were both un-married in ten years, they would just you know... marry each other. Not the brightest idea in the world but hey, plot.
And of course it all works out. And it just... pissed me off. Let me tell you the extent of my dating life. From the ages of 0-24, I was single. Well I had a "boyfriend" when I was a tween but I was SO shy I couldn't even talk to him so I don't count him as an adult anymore. I dated a guy throughout 2013 and it didn't work out because he and I didn't want the same things out of life. And then I met a guy online who I thought was pretty wonderful... until he chickened out on me one too many times. And if I 'm 100% honest with myself, and with you (whomever may read this), I have on-again off-again feelings for a man... going on like 7 yrs here people... If my life were a romantic comedy I would not have had to force the off-switch. Whatever that means.
Here's the thing that made me upset with "The Wedding Pact." I have spent the vast majority of my life watching romantic comedies that have set up completely unrealistic expectations of men in my life. When a guy I really cared about moved across the country, I wanted him to make US happen despite the odds and the difficulty. I wanted to inspire my ex-boyfriend to put me where I belonged in his life. I wanted my online beau to be a as brave as I was.
I wanted all these men to step up to the plate, and do some huge romantic gesture - because I think that I'm worth someone leaping through figurative fiery hoops of death for. The reality is, I've been disappointed - all because of the unrealistic expectations that Romantic Comedies have instilled in my estrogen ruled brain.
But, wait a minute, that can't be all true, can it? I mean, let's be honest here, a lot can be realistically done without being melodramatic and meeting at the top of the Empire State Building right? And... quite frankly, the idea that I shouldn't have ANY expectations of people is really lame. So let's explore what COULD have been done in some instances that include me and my other girl friend.
I've got an easy one: my online beau could have TOLD me that he didn't want to meet me. Instead I had to get pretty darn cranky and then... I love this part... interpret silence. And subsequently feel like an idiot.
An old friend of mine, too, has been blown off recently in a similar manner. Often blind-sided, and with a serious lack of closure. Here's a quick part of our conversation:
Her: "So this past week I texted him on Monday asking when I was going to see him again and I didn't hear from him... So I texted him on Thursday and asked him if I was ever going to see him again, trying to be all joking-like."
Me: "I don't like where this is going...."
Her: "He proceeds to tell me that he's met up with someone from his past. But he feels really guilty cause I was so amazing and sweet and beautiful."
Me: "I'll telepathically kill him if you want me to.... and if you were so amazing why did he have no problem blowing you off?"
This "blowing off" happened after almost two months of constant communication and effort made on both sides to spend time with each other.
So. My point is... maybe the huge romantic gestures are NOT realistic... but I believe common decency is. And not stringing us ladies along... because I can tell you without hesitation that I'd rather be told something that hurts my feelings and that I don't necessarily want to hear... over being left to wonder what the heck is going on. Because that's super degrading and shame on you... internet beau of mine, and the other guy from my friends' love life... shame on you for not having the courage within yourself, or the respect for me and my friend to tell us the truth. For making us have to defend and stick up for ourselves.
That is all.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Farewell to 2013
I realize I haven't blogged in a while, but here is an update!
Concerning my last blog: I did not last 6 months, I lasted about 6 weeks. Maybe. I had a long talk with my Branch President and alleviated a lot of pressure I had put on myself. I want to be clear, however, that I do not take back ANYTHING I said in my post about being a part of the Mormon Culture.
Tonight is New Year's Eve for 2013.
I know that I blogged the New Years of 2011 and my life was in a hugely different place than it is now. But I did like that I sort of talked about the top ten moments, for me, of that year. I would like to share with you all the top 10 moments/events of 2013.
1. Started dating Adam:
I start with this first because it both happened in Jan/Feb and has influenced my life greatly. Adam is a great guy, and I feel lucky to go through our ups and our downs together.
2. Was retained at TBJUSD for another year:
I was told when I applied for this job that it was only promised for another year. I am lucky that we pulled the Music Program at TBJUSD from getting cut!!! Thank you to you all for your support!
3. My HS Band played for Continuation HS Graduation, 8th Grade Promotion AND THS Graduation:
This was a HUGE deal to me and my kiddos. Any school with a Band should have one that is able to play at Graduation - and Tulelake High School now has a great Band to help add culture and support throughout the campus.
4. Changed the 4th Grade Music Curriculum from Violin to Keyboard:
I haven't tuned a Violin at TES since April. And I'm TOTALLY okay with that.
5. Went to Alan, Texas and participated in a Rook Tournament:
Even though my sister and cousin won and were somewhat obnoxious, I'm glad that Granny and I were able to team up and .... get dealt the worst cards ON THE FREAKING PLANET!!!
6. Moved to Malin, Oregon:
I feel like a member of the Lower Klamath Basin and that my life isn't cut so in half. I've been able to do a lot of enriching things because I live here.
7. My HS Band went from 14 - 28 kiddos:
If you're a music person you understand the monumental achievement this is.
8. Attended the first SUU Alumni Band Concert:
And didn't want to murder the current Band Director. Personal growth, people! (Oh, and of course, saw most of my good friends and bought some Pandora Charms)
9. Had a wonderful round of Winter performances:
As I said before - the TBJUSD music program has gone from promised only for a year to community members and school board members (so I've heard) saying "What can we do to keep her here?" That feels wonderful, and I'm so excited the community is appreciating the music my students have prepared so hard for!
10. Adopted Magnum:
He's a German Shepherd. And he's mine. And he's a sweet boy.
Concerning my last blog: I did not last 6 months, I lasted about 6 weeks. Maybe. I had a long talk with my Branch President and alleviated a lot of pressure I had put on myself. I want to be clear, however, that I do not take back ANYTHING I said in my post about being a part of the Mormon Culture.
Tonight is New Year's Eve for 2013.
I know that I blogged the New Years of 2011 and my life was in a hugely different place than it is now. But I did like that I sort of talked about the top ten moments, for me, of that year. I would like to share with you all the top 10 moments/events of 2013.
1. Started dating Adam:
I start with this first because it both happened in Jan/Feb and has influenced my life greatly. Adam is a great guy, and I feel lucky to go through our ups and our downs together.
2. Was retained at TBJUSD for another year:
I was told when I applied for this job that it was only promised for another year. I am lucky that we pulled the Music Program at TBJUSD from getting cut!!! Thank you to you all for your support!
3. My HS Band played for Continuation HS Graduation, 8th Grade Promotion AND THS Graduation:
This was a HUGE deal to me and my kiddos. Any school with a Band should have one that is able to play at Graduation - and Tulelake High School now has a great Band to help add culture and support throughout the campus.
4. Changed the 4th Grade Music Curriculum from Violin to Keyboard:
I haven't tuned a Violin at TES since April. And I'm TOTALLY okay with that.
5. Went to Alan, Texas and participated in a Rook Tournament:
Even though my sister and cousin won and were somewhat obnoxious, I'm glad that Granny and I were able to team up and .... get dealt the worst cards ON THE FREAKING PLANET!!!
6. Moved to Malin, Oregon:
I feel like a member of the Lower Klamath Basin and that my life isn't cut so in half. I've been able to do a lot of enriching things because I live here.
7. My HS Band went from 14 - 28 kiddos:
If you're a music person you understand the monumental achievement this is.
8. Attended the first SUU Alumni Band Concert:
And didn't want to murder the current Band Director. Personal growth, people! (Oh, and of course, saw most of my good friends and bought some Pandora Charms)
9. Had a wonderful round of Winter performances:
As I said before - the TBJUSD music program has gone from promised only for a year to community members and school board members (so I've heard) saying "What can we do to keep her here?" That feels wonderful, and I'm so excited the community is appreciating the music my students have prepared so hard for!
10. Adopted Magnum:
He's a German Shepherd. And he's mine. And he's a sweet boy.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Announcement
So ... I'm not going to lie...
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Seriously...
Well, well, well. It's been a good... I don't know, 9 months since I have let anyone know anything on this blog...?
I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.
I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.
Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.
Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...
I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.
Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)
I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.
Anyway...
I teach a wide variety of music education.
Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...
I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.
And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...
I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya...
And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.
I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.
PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.
Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.
What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly.
Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.
Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."
It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end.
It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.
You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.
*sighs*
The End.
I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.
I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.
Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.
Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...
I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.
Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)
I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.
Anyway...
I teach a wide variety of music education.
Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...
I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.
And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...
I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya...
And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.
I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.
PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.
Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.
What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly.
Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.
Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."
It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end.
It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.
You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.
*sighs*
The End.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Paths
Alright, so for some reason I feel a little guilty this morning. Why, you ask? Because I moved back to California and only told a handful of people. While those who bother to realize, figured it out, I do want to blog a little bit about it.
I guess you could say I'm a little gun shy to announce anything remotely controversial over facebook/twitter since my move to Pittsburgh post blew up in my face and I ended up puking my guts out. That's a story that doesn't need to be told again... and there's quite a few steps in between posting that I was moving to PA and then ending up in the hospital... twice. :S Anyway... onward...
But moving back to Barstow wasn't exactly what I had in mind when my parents and I moved me and all my stuff to Pittsburgh back in December. It wasn't what I had in mind when I found my jobs, won the battle to get my teaching credential, or when I went to WV for a job fair. And it definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I started applying for teaching jobs or when I had to make a make-shift plan for the summer.
But here's the bottom line, when me finding a music teaching job became second, and third to feeling like I needed to move out and "pay the bills," and that just finding any employment that could do that was the number one priority... it was obvious it was headed for disaster. Then was not the time.
Take that with a grain of salt... for what it's worth. But that's essentially why I moved back across the flipping country.
During my freshmen year at SUU I realized something about people... most people don't know what they want to study and major in when they're 18 years old. I was truly lucky to have a clear path - when I was 13 I made the decision to start doing my homework and go to college and major in music... performance. I also count myself incredibly fortunate that not only do I love it with a passion not much in my life compares to, but I'm good at it. I "get it." I don't have to try hard to understand the concepts.
I mean... don't get me wrong, I still worked my freaking butt off the whole time, but I wasn't having to fight with myself.
So when I graduated, naturally, I had an idea of what life was going to be like afterward. My idea of what life would be like after graduation really only had one purpose: to motivate me to finish. Because nothing was how I thought it would be.
School has always been "easy" or rather, something I've always been able to enjoy. And I think of employment as an extension of school...
Which is the other point I want to blog a little bit about in this post. haha
Barstow High School started today. The schools in Iron County started Wednesday. My fellow SUU graduates are employed.
I don't have a job... yet. I've been actively searching for a good three/four months. That's a lot of waiting by my phone, obsessively checking my email, teachers-teachers and edjoin. And a lot of pep talks from Dad which essentially are the same things on repeat.
I had a "come to Jesus" moment probably about three weeks after I moved to CA. It was really hard to switch gears... and I had to let a lot of notions go. For example... the thought that if I didn't get hired as a music teacher somewhere, I was a failure.
Let me tell you, that was hard to swallow, but I did it. Nowhere does it say that my success is incumbent on teaching music in the school year 2012-2013. On a side note: I really would really love to teach music this school year. Just throwing that out there...
And I guess that's the piece of advice I'll give out today. The stupid motivational quotes about having the right attitude, that if it doesn't work out it's not supposed to... they have a point. Because, I believe, when push comes to shove, everybody will find where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. As long as they aren't a hermit or something ridiculous like that...
And another side note: it doesn't count if you use it as an excuse to not do anything at all.
I've got my fair share of ashes over the last year and a half. More than my fair share, I think. But, in and amongst those ashes are things that we can take with us, to make us better people. I do have to say this: I wanted to beat everyone who told me that. I feel this is something we all have to come to in our own time. There is a lesson in everything - and that's a Gift. Imagine a world where that wasn't possible... when circumstances do not turn out in your favor, to just be left at the mercy of those consequences.
pffft I like the idea that we become even better people because of those experiences...
You know what I can't take with me that are left in the ashes? Things that I wanted and loved. Making a life in the eastern part of the US, perhaps even finding a job this year period, having an opportunity to be with a man I cared a ridiculous amount about, being closer friends with Keke... not having a summer where the temperature is over 110 degrees for about a month and a half. haha
Those are so hard to let go. I'm not to the point where I can say "I wouldn't trade all those experiences for anything else," because I want to. So. Much. But holding on to ideas like that make me crazy.
Trying to embrace the other aspects of life at the moment. Of course, not giving up the mad searching for the job, and juggling the question of "Katy... you've just moved back to Barstow, what are you going to do next?" And that attitude alone has me smiling more often.
But it's a journey, right? Sure... whatever. :)
I'm only 23 for crying out loud...
LOVE
I guess you could say I'm a little gun shy to announce anything remotely controversial over facebook/twitter since my move to Pittsburgh post blew up in my face and I ended up puking my guts out. That's a story that doesn't need to be told again... and there's quite a few steps in between posting that I was moving to PA and then ending up in the hospital... twice. :S Anyway... onward...
But moving back to Barstow wasn't exactly what I had in mind when my parents and I moved me and all my stuff to Pittsburgh back in December. It wasn't what I had in mind when I found my jobs, won the battle to get my teaching credential, or when I went to WV for a job fair. And it definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I started applying for teaching jobs or when I had to make a make-shift plan for the summer.
But here's the bottom line, when me finding a music teaching job became second, and third to feeling like I needed to move out and "pay the bills," and that just finding any employment that could do that was the number one priority... it was obvious it was headed for disaster. Then was not the time.
Take that with a grain of salt... for what it's worth. But that's essentially why I moved back across the flipping country.
During my freshmen year at SUU I realized something about people... most people don't know what they want to study and major in when they're 18 years old. I was truly lucky to have a clear path - when I was 13 I made the decision to start doing my homework and go to college and major in music... performance. I also count myself incredibly fortunate that not only do I love it with a passion not much in my life compares to, but I'm good at it. I "get it." I don't have to try hard to understand the concepts.
I mean... don't get me wrong, I still worked my freaking butt off the whole time, but I wasn't having to fight with myself.
So when I graduated, naturally, I had an idea of what life was going to be like afterward. My idea of what life would be like after graduation really only had one purpose: to motivate me to finish. Because nothing was how I thought it would be.
School has always been "easy" or rather, something I've always been able to enjoy. And I think of employment as an extension of school...
Which is the other point I want to blog a little bit about in this post. haha
Barstow High School started today. The schools in Iron County started Wednesday. My fellow SUU graduates are employed.
I don't have a job... yet. I've been actively searching for a good three/four months. That's a lot of waiting by my phone, obsessively checking my email, teachers-teachers and edjoin. And a lot of pep talks from Dad which essentially are the same things on repeat.
I had a "come to Jesus" moment probably about three weeks after I moved to CA. It was really hard to switch gears... and I had to let a lot of notions go. For example... the thought that if I didn't get hired as a music teacher somewhere, I was a failure.
Let me tell you, that was hard to swallow, but I did it. Nowhere does it say that my success is incumbent on teaching music in the school year 2012-2013. On a side note: I really would really love to teach music this school year. Just throwing that out there...
And I guess that's the piece of advice I'll give out today. The stupid motivational quotes about having the right attitude, that if it doesn't work out it's not supposed to... they have a point. Because, I believe, when push comes to shove, everybody will find where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. As long as they aren't a hermit or something ridiculous like that...
And another side note: it doesn't count if you use it as an excuse to not do anything at all.
I've got my fair share of ashes over the last year and a half. More than my fair share, I think. But, in and amongst those ashes are things that we can take with us, to make us better people. I do have to say this: I wanted to beat everyone who told me that. I feel this is something we all have to come to in our own time. There is a lesson in everything - and that's a Gift. Imagine a world where that wasn't possible... when circumstances do not turn out in your favor, to just be left at the mercy of those consequences.
pffft I like the idea that we become even better people because of those experiences...
You know what I can't take with me that are left in the ashes? Things that I wanted and loved. Making a life in the eastern part of the US, perhaps even finding a job this year period, having an opportunity to be with a man I cared a ridiculous amount about, being closer friends with Keke... not having a summer where the temperature is over 110 degrees for about a month and a half. haha
Those are so hard to let go. I'm not to the point where I can say "I wouldn't trade all those experiences for anything else," because I want to. So. Much. But holding on to ideas like that make me crazy.
Trying to embrace the other aspects of life at the moment. Of course, not giving up the mad searching for the job, and juggling the question of "Katy... you've just moved back to Barstow, what are you going to do next?" And that attitude alone has me smiling more often.
But it's a journey, right? Sure... whatever. :)
I'm only 23 for crying out loud...
LOVE
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Motivating (hopefully) Thoughts on Being "Fat"
So.
It's been a while, and I honestly haven't wanted to share what's been going on in my life the last few months or so. But this week my parents are at the beach, camping. And I'm here watching Marley and taking care of the house.
And because I'm STILL in what I call "a transition" between graduating from SUU and FINALLY finishing my teaching license stuff and being a cotton pickin' adult (with a job and bills and my own dog), I haven't had a lot going on on a daily basis.
So this morning I read something off of Zooey Deschanel's facebook (oddly enough). P.S. She would be the actress I would want to play me if my life ever turned into a TV Show (Music of Our Lives) or a Movie. Tina Fey would be Tamara... anyway... not the point....
Link to Article
Read it if you want, or not. But it talks about this amazing gorgeous supermodel, Kate Upton, and how there is a community blog about being skinny. And on said blog they called Upton a squished brick.
While reading that article I started thinking about my friends. Because I have quite a few friends who are trying, nay, struggling to lose weight. I find myself having a lot of conversations recently about dieting, and exercising and feeling like a beached whale. My advice has always been the same. But before I get to that I do have my own theories and thoughts on society and what we consider to be attractive.
As a woman of 6'1" I feel huge. All the time. I'm never sure what to do with my elbows or my knees. This leaks over in how I feel about dating. I need to feel smaller, and therefore more feminine, than the guy I am with. In fact, it feels amazing to me. And "tall" is another characteristic just like "nice" or "funny" that I look for in guys. Because I think it's incredibly sexy. I am aware that it's also a societal norm. It's just sort of... not normal to see a tall girl be with a guy who is shorter than her. Perhaps just a smidge shorter, but not more than one or two inches.
But, a few years ago I had this horrid thought flit across my mind and it was stuck on repeat. Not only was I taller than most guys, I was getting a little heavy. And I kid you not... that felt about 20 times worse than knowing I will never be shorter.
So, I decided to do something about it. And, like every other woman I know, I tried two things. Dieting and Exercising.
Most of you who bother to read this blog already know how I feel about both of those. I hate both of them. I love me some Pizza. And some Dr. freaking Pepper. And some Chocolate. And I would rather die than be all hot and sweaty enough times a week to burn off the fat on my body for fast results. I freaking hate sweating. And when I do physical activities simply to lose weight I get really disinterested and kind of moody.
I tried to give up all of that for a month (back in the early months of 2010) and I hated every single second of it. I hated getting up early to work out, and I hated the work out in and of itself. And, for the love, I just wanted some Dr. Pepper. Without the side of guilt, please!
A day not too far in the future from that point I remembered something that changed the way I approached things. I took a Nutrition class when I was a Sophomore at SUU, and most of the science stuff was over my head BUT I do remember my professor saying something along these lines:
So I literally said "To hell with the dieting and exercising. It's time to make some real life changes." Because, let's face it. How many of us who are in the position of needing to lose weight really WANT to exercise three or four times a week? I have NEVER done that. I don't WANT to do that.
So I'm not going to.
Instead, I made smaller decisions. Like making sure I got ready for my early classes more consistently on time so that I could walk to class instead of drive. I do love walking - especially around SUU and in Cedar City. I decided I needed to stop eating when I was bored - to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. To not eat late at night.
I could go into more details but that's not my point. I started losing the weight, and developing habits that will help keep me on the thin side for my entire life.
I don't weigh myself, but I have gone down in everything clothing by one size. But it did something else for me, too. I stand up straighter, I walk into a room with more confidence. I feel better, because I'm more healthy.
But with that comes exceptions. Sometimes I still feel huge - probably because I tower over most other women. But I'm still not what some people would call skinny.
My feisty side says "I'm skinny enough." But I know how hard that is to say when it really counts.
So. All of this leads up to my question: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are my beautiful friends killing themselves to be thin, but once they stop dieting and exercising they gain in ALL BACK... and then some?
What kind of life can you live with that kind of pressure?
I was talking to my cousin the other day in the pool, and she said "Katy, I didn't even realize how small I was when I was small." And we're talking about a 60lb difference between her when she was "small" and her now. She was also talking about how she has no more motivation, but came to a conclusion: that she was going to "think skinny."
And I've got another friend who has her own blog about losing weight, and some of the first things she posted were about how hard it was for her to stay motivated because she wasn't seeing the results she wanted. And how difficult it is on her to make the changes.
And sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see are the places on my body that have fat. The stretch marks that I say "are because I shot up like a weed" when I grew up to make myself feel better (even though that is the truth). And how much it bothers me that my mom says things to people that imply I am chunky, or that I will never be "skinny," because of the way I'm built?
And then to read that there are people out there who think that Kate Upton looks like a squashed brick? If that gorgeous, curvy woman is a squashed brick.... dear lord, what am I? What are my kind-hearted, beautiful, warm, and talented friends? ...Beached Whales?
Excuse my language. But whoever said that can go to Hell.
So, ladies. Here's my mantra:
- Lose weight for no one else but you.
- Make decisions that will aid in keeping you healthy for the rest of your life.
- Eat the chocolate, and the pizza, and the CARBS!!! But in moderation.
- Eat your veggies :P
- Stay active. Don't be a couch potato (although that's what I'm doing currently)
And when you lose your first 10lbs, or your last 10lbs, or when you go down a size in your clothing: Celebrate what you accomplished. Have a cupcake! Whatever!!!
Surround yourself with positive influences, and don't put a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself.
A woman who loves herself and is confident and classy is more attractive than the skinniest, boniest girl out there who still thinks she's not thin enough.
LOVE!
It's been a while, and I honestly haven't wanted to share what's been going on in my life the last few months or so. But this week my parents are at the beach, camping. And I'm here watching Marley and taking care of the house.
And because I'm STILL in what I call "a transition" between graduating from SUU and FINALLY finishing my teaching license stuff and being a cotton pickin' adult (with a job and bills and my own dog), I haven't had a lot going on on a daily basis.
So this morning I read something off of Zooey Deschanel's facebook (oddly enough). P.S. She would be the actress I would want to play me if my life ever turned into a TV Show (Music of Our Lives) or a Movie. Tina Fey would be Tamara... anyway... not the point....
Link to Article
Read it if you want, or not. But it talks about this amazing gorgeous supermodel, Kate Upton, and how there is a community blog about being skinny. And on said blog they called Upton a squished brick.
While reading that article I started thinking about my friends. Because I have quite a few friends who are trying, nay, struggling to lose weight. I find myself having a lot of conversations recently about dieting, and exercising and feeling like a beached whale. My advice has always been the same. But before I get to that I do have my own theories and thoughts on society and what we consider to be attractive.
As a woman of 6'1" I feel huge. All the time. I'm never sure what to do with my elbows or my knees. This leaks over in how I feel about dating. I need to feel smaller, and therefore more feminine, than the guy I am with. In fact, it feels amazing to me. And "tall" is another characteristic just like "nice" or "funny" that I look for in guys. Because I think it's incredibly sexy. I am aware that it's also a societal norm. It's just sort of... not normal to see a tall girl be with a guy who is shorter than her. Perhaps just a smidge shorter, but not more than one or two inches.
But, a few years ago I had this horrid thought flit across my mind and it was stuck on repeat. Not only was I taller than most guys, I was getting a little heavy. And I kid you not... that felt about 20 times worse than knowing I will never be shorter.
So, I decided to do something about it. And, like every other woman I know, I tried two things. Dieting and Exercising.
Most of you who bother to read this blog already know how I feel about both of those. I hate both of them. I love me some Pizza. And some Dr. freaking Pepper. And some Chocolate. And I would rather die than be all hot and sweaty enough times a week to burn off the fat on my body for fast results. I freaking hate sweating. And when I do physical activities simply to lose weight I get really disinterested and kind of moody.
I tried to give up all of that for a month (back in the early months of 2010) and I hated every single second of it. I hated getting up early to work out, and I hated the work out in and of itself. And, for the love, I just wanted some Dr. Pepper. Without the side of guilt, please!
A day not too far in the future from that point I remembered something that changed the way I approached things. I took a Nutrition class when I was a Sophomore at SUU, and most of the science stuff was over my head BUT I do remember my professor saying something along these lines:
*** That losing weight is simply a matter of burning off more calories than consumed. And you can eat anything you want, in moderation, without it severely affecting your body.***
So I literally said "To hell with the dieting and exercising. It's time to make some real life changes." Because, let's face it. How many of us who are in the position of needing to lose weight really WANT to exercise three or four times a week? I have NEVER done that. I don't WANT to do that.
So I'm not going to.
Instead, I made smaller decisions. Like making sure I got ready for my early classes more consistently on time so that I could walk to class instead of drive. I do love walking - especially around SUU and in Cedar City. I decided I needed to stop eating when I was bored - to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. To not eat late at night.
I could go into more details but that's not my point. I started losing the weight, and developing habits that will help keep me on the thin side for my entire life.
I don't weigh myself, but I have gone down in everything clothing by one size. But it did something else for me, too. I stand up straighter, I walk into a room with more confidence. I feel better, because I'm more healthy.
But with that comes exceptions. Sometimes I still feel huge - probably because I tower over most other women. But I'm still not what some people would call skinny.
My feisty side says "I'm skinny enough." But I know how hard that is to say when it really counts.
So. All of this leads up to my question: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are my beautiful friends killing themselves to be thin, but once they stop dieting and exercising they gain in ALL BACK... and then some?
What kind of life can you live with that kind of pressure?
I was talking to my cousin the other day in the pool, and she said "Katy, I didn't even realize how small I was when I was small." And we're talking about a 60lb difference between her when she was "small" and her now. She was also talking about how she has no more motivation, but came to a conclusion: that she was going to "think skinny."
And I've got another friend who has her own blog about losing weight, and some of the first things she posted were about how hard it was for her to stay motivated because she wasn't seeing the results she wanted. And how difficult it is on her to make the changes.
And sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see are the places on my body that have fat. The stretch marks that I say "are because I shot up like a weed" when I grew up to make myself feel better (even though that is the truth). And how much it bothers me that my mom says things to people that imply I am chunky, or that I will never be "skinny," because of the way I'm built?
And then to read that there are people out there who think that Kate Upton looks like a squashed brick? If that gorgeous, curvy woman is a squashed brick.... dear lord, what am I? What are my kind-hearted, beautiful, warm, and talented friends? ...Beached Whales?
Excuse my language. But whoever said that can go to Hell.
So, ladies. Here's my mantra:
- Lose weight for no one else but you.
- Make decisions that will aid in keeping you healthy for the rest of your life.
- Eat the chocolate, and the pizza, and the CARBS!!! But in moderation.
- Eat your veggies :P
- Stay active. Don't be a couch potato (although that's what I'm doing currently)
And when you lose your first 10lbs, or your last 10lbs, or when you go down a size in your clothing: Celebrate what you accomplished. Have a cupcake! Whatever!!!
Surround yourself with positive influences, and don't put a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself.
A woman who loves herself and is confident and classy is more attractive than the skinniest, boniest girl out there who still thinks she's not thin enough.
And, you know. Having curves won't kill you either. :)
LOVE!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
PLT: Good for You -- I Don't Care
So. I took the PRAXIS: PLT 7-12 on Saturday which made last week and Saturday morning quite an adventure.
First of all -I studied. But I didn't really study so much as LAUGH at the notes I still had on my papers between Brandon and I. Here are some of them.
I would like to take note, first, of the statement "Katy and Brandon Rock." And then bring your attention to how nerdy "classical actually means 1750-1800s" is.
Because, you see, we took Ed Psychology and Music History II at the same time, on the same days. Just Band and an hour of socializing was in between them. :) :)
But you know what? I know the difference between classical and operant conditioning. Thank you B. F. Skinner...
Honestly, I'm not sure about the stalking statement. That seems more appropriate at a different time in my education at SUU with other people. Like Tiana and Rachel.
BUT "We should make a hit-list" is all about how we thought certain people in the class were ANNOYING.
Obviously Brandon was writing stuff on HIS notes, because this response to him is all I have.
"Good for you - I don't care." Brandon and my relationship summed up in a statement :)
And, it must be close to when I did that stupid project about Multiple Intelligences.
But aside from all of that I felt pretty prepared by the time I woke up on Saturday. That is, until I realized I had no No. 2 pencils. So --- I hopped in my Jeepy and drove to the dollar store... getting stuck behind old/stupid/slow people on the way. There are like 6 stop signs on the way to the shopping center that has Giant Eagle, my bank, and the Dollar Store and it takes like 15 minutes to get there. Drives me freaking crazy!!!!
So I go into the store, and think to myself "Why the heck do stores sell unsharpened pencils?"
This. I do NOT understand. I want the pencils... to write with. Sharpen them for heaven's sake. And by then I was feeling the clock ticking. The drive to University of Pitt would take more than 30 minutes from where I was. And I had to walk like 10-15 minutes to the building from where I parked. I was panicking a little.
So, after I bought a PLETHORA of unsharpened pencils and little sharpeners in shapes of hearts and stars I climbed in my car and at every red light I sharpened a pencil. So I had pencil shavings everywhere.
I also had this GRAND IDEA to share with people when I got there. Yeah... that didn't happen. My shy and nervous self was reigning.
But on the way there... I just wanted to scream. Construction on the Hot Metal Bridge, people being just dumb... (I think I have road rage). There was a string of pretty colorful language on the way there.
And I basically booked it to the building to take the test right after I parked in my church parking lot. Thanking the universe Oakland is where my church building, PPS, and the Univ of Pitt is.
I feel like I did pretty good on it. It was pretty taxing AND... they would have been able to provide me with pencils. I was the only person in the room taking that test (even though there were 20 of us in that particular room), and had to read most of the questions 3 and 4 times just to understand what the HECK it was actually asking. But... alas, I am still alive. With an overstock-age of pencils and sharpeners because I'm too shy.
Win or a Fail?
And don't get me started on the one-way streets :)
But for now, I've got a mangled fingernail to attend to.
First of all -I studied. But I didn't really study so much as LAUGH at the notes I still had on my papers between Brandon and I. Here are some of them.
Because, you see, we took Ed Psychology and Music History II at the same time, on the same days. Just Band and an hour of socializing was in between them. :) :)
But you know what? I know the difference between classical and operant conditioning. Thank you B. F. Skinner...
BUT "We should make a hit-list" is all about how we thought certain people in the class were ANNOYING.
Obviously Brandon was writing stuff on HIS notes, because this response to him is all I have.
"Good for you - I don't care." Brandon and my relationship summed up in a statement :)
And, it must be close to when I did that stupid project about Multiple Intelligences.
But aside from all of that I felt pretty prepared by the time I woke up on Saturday. That is, until I realized I had no No. 2 pencils. So --- I hopped in my Jeepy and drove to the dollar store... getting stuck behind old/stupid/slow people on the way. There are like 6 stop signs on the way to the shopping center that has Giant Eagle, my bank, and the Dollar Store and it takes like 15 minutes to get there. Drives me freaking crazy!!!!
So I go into the store, and think to myself "Why the heck do stores sell unsharpened pencils?"
This. I do NOT understand. I want the pencils... to write with. Sharpen them for heaven's sake. And by then I was feeling the clock ticking. The drive to University of Pitt would take more than 30 minutes from where I was. And I had to walk like 10-15 minutes to the building from where I parked. I was panicking a little.
So, after I bought a PLETHORA of unsharpened pencils and little sharpeners in shapes of hearts and stars I climbed in my car and at every red light I sharpened a pencil. So I had pencil shavings everywhere.
I also had this GRAND IDEA to share with people when I got there. Yeah... that didn't happen. My shy and nervous self was reigning.
But on the way there... I just wanted to scream. Construction on the Hot Metal Bridge, people being just dumb... (I think I have road rage). There was a string of pretty colorful language on the way there.
And I basically booked it to the building to take the test right after I parked in my church parking lot. Thanking the universe Oakland is where my church building, PPS, and the Univ of Pitt is.
I feel like I did pretty good on it. It was pretty taxing AND... they would have been able to provide me with pencils. I was the only person in the room taking that test (even though there were 20 of us in that particular room), and had to read most of the questions 3 and 4 times just to understand what the HECK it was actually asking. But... alas, I am still alive. With an overstock-age of pencils and sharpeners because I'm too shy.
Win or a Fail?
And don't get me started on the one-way streets :)
But for now, I've got a mangled fingernail to attend to.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Turnpikes and Nonsense
So, I went to Virginia this past weekend. I had not gone on a full blown trip with the Jeep, yet. All I know is that around Pittsburgh it takes more gas than I think is possible in that vehicle...
Anyway - I bit the bullet... sucked it up... and drove to Middletown, VA for a job fair. Six school districts were in attendance and there is a band opening in one of them - most of the others don't know their openings yet, and, as usual, it's always changing.
Anyway - I had tried to prepare to make this trip by myself, but GPS's are amazing at a couple of things:
1. Keeping me NOT lost.
2. Keeping me lazy and in the dark about exactly where I'll be driving until I'm in the car following the GPS.
I woke up at 4am. Not pretty (especially considering I worked until 11pm the night before) and looked somewhat alive, and ready to go and in the car by 5am. Then it took me 12 minutes to figure out why the GPS couldn't load the trip to VA... but, all is well. Learned something new!
And I was off! In the dark. Listening to Brian Regan, Savage Garden and Sara Bareilles.
And before I know it I'm pulling up to the Pennsylvania Turnpike... which is a toll road.
"Eh, how expensive can using this toll road be?" I thought to myself as I grabbed the ticket.
Then my GPS kindly reminded me I'd be on it for 105 miles.... fyi still not too bad but more than I expected.
After realizing the additional expense I started doing math in my head. And I have a confession -- I'm pretty good with mental math, but I have this annoying habit of over simplifying just so I don't get myself in trouble. It's when $14.50 gets rounded up to $20.00. And before I know it... I'm poor and I shouldn't have gotten on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. This is utter nonsense, mind you...
And I look down at my gas gauge. Full. Good. As it should be.
So I was driving along and I remembered to reset my trip mileage... thingy. And I went about 10 more miles than the last time I had looked and evaluated my gas gauge. Still Full
Still on the Pennsylvania Turnpike... chuckling at Brian Regan:
"It's Carol-INE, Brian. Well, my name is BrrrriOn!"
Maybe had gone another 10 miles and I looked down at the gas gauge and... huh, I'm down two "clicks" (you know, those stupid little I-don't-know-whats in between the things that are really important like 3/4 of a tank or 1/2 of a tank).
I only went 10 miles. *insert my nonsensical mental math here*
So I proceed to watch my gas gauge literally go down to almost 3/4 of a tank in a grand total of 25 minutes. Or something like that. Way too fast, right!? I was still on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and there were signs letting me know that the next stop for gas was in like 80 miles. Then I start freaking out about the TOLL! So I looked on my toll ticket and got just a touch more annoyed at life.
Here's the kicker. This is how my gas gauge works, apparently. Because more than 120 miles later, past the Pennsylvania Turnpike, through a marginal part of West Virginia, and in a very rural part of Virginia... I had a little bit more than half a tank left.
Anyway - I bit the bullet... sucked it up... and drove to Middletown, VA for a job fair. Six school districts were in attendance and there is a band opening in one of them - most of the others don't know their openings yet, and, as usual, it's always changing.
Anyway - I had tried to prepare to make this trip by myself, but GPS's are amazing at a couple of things:
1. Keeping me NOT lost.
2. Keeping me lazy and in the dark about exactly where I'll be driving until I'm in the car following the GPS.
I woke up at 4am. Not pretty (especially considering I worked until 11pm the night before) and looked somewhat alive, and ready to go and in the car by 5am. Then it took me 12 minutes to figure out why the GPS couldn't load the trip to VA... but, all is well. Learned something new!
And I was off! In the dark. Listening to Brian Regan, Savage Garden and Sara Bareilles.
And before I know it I'm pulling up to the Pennsylvania Turnpike... which is a toll road.
"Eh, how expensive can using this toll road be?" I thought to myself as I grabbed the ticket.
Then my GPS kindly reminded me I'd be on it for 105 miles.... fyi still not too bad but more than I expected.
After realizing the additional expense I started doing math in my head. And I have a confession -- I'm pretty good with mental math, but I have this annoying habit of over simplifying just so I don't get myself in trouble. It's when $14.50 gets rounded up to $20.00. And before I know it... I'm poor and I shouldn't have gotten on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. This is utter nonsense, mind you...
And I look down at my gas gauge. Full. Good. As it should be.
So I was driving along and I remembered to reset my trip mileage... thingy. And I went about 10 more miles than the last time I had looked and evaluated my gas gauge. Still Full
 | ||
| Good. As it should be. |
Still on the Pennsylvania Turnpike... chuckling at Brian Regan:
"It's Carol-INE, Brian. Well, my name is BrrrriOn!"
Maybe had gone another 10 miles and I looked down at the gas gauge and... huh, I'm down two "clicks" (you know, those stupid little I-don't-know-whats in between the things that are really important like 3/4 of a tank or 1/2 of a tank).
I only went 10 miles. *insert my nonsensical mental math here*
 |
| Oh my gosh. I'm going to have to fill it up like THREE TIMES! |
 |
| I will have no money. |
Here's the kicker. This is how my gas gauge works, apparently. Because more than 120 miles later, past the Pennsylvania Turnpike, through a marginal part of West Virginia, and in a very rural part of Virginia... I had a little bit more than half a tank left.
Good. As it should be.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
In the Pitt
Warning: I have recently developed an addiction to those stupid pictures that are all over facebook and I can't help but incorporate the same idea into this blog. One, because I think it's funny. And Two, let's face it... I'm not that original.
So... it's been a while. A little over three months. I don't really know where to start but I do know that if there is such a thing that resembles a universal list of reasons to do things and reason to not do things I want to add these reasons if they are not currently already there:
Not Approved Reasons:
- Because of someone else.
- Because the alternative makes me want to vomit.
I guess these are left up to individual opinions and circumstances. But I think they may be pretty universal. I've recently developed some more pet peeves as well. The reigning pet peeve is still: Cell phones during rehearsal. Makes the conductor turn into something that looks like this:
Not. Good. My last three band directors (current one in Pittsburgh, SUU, and Barstow High) have had more than one crap attack over cell phones in rehearsal. Scary stuff let me tell you... makes me highly uncomfortable.
The new and very relative pet peeve: when people don't listen to what I say to them. Any more explanation is too annoying for me to want to type and too personal to share on the internet anyway.
Along the same lines... I substitute teach in the PP Schools. For those of you who don't know, or perhaps needs reminding. I grew up in.... da da-da daaaaa..... Barstow, CA
Not big cities or metropolis' by any stretch of the imagination.
However, now, I live here: Pittsburgh, PA
The schools are just a wee bit different. Right off the bat, guys, if I wanted to I could work five days a week subbing. In Iron County I was told to not expect too many jobs.
Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is - you know, it takes a special educator to work inner-city schools. It takes an even more special, or perhaps, more desperate, human being to want to sub inner-city schools for longer than what is absolutely necessary.
I say this all, and think of all the really good schools I've seen. But my first two experiences were down right frightening. And every time I sub kids in high school all I hear is the F-bomb and the African American students in the room referring to themselves and their friends as "niggas."
I can't stand that.
Both words make my ears want to BLEED and the double standard on the second is too much for me to handle...
All Day. And some of the students get really pissed at me for getting on their case about it. Some students have attempted to turn it around on me. Which they don't get away with or succeed at. And others give me an excuse that seriously makes me sad for them "We're black... you can't ask us not to talk like that."
When that happens I usually try to just breathe. But honestly, I think at THAT particular comment I rolled my eyes.
On a more positive note (I get here eventually) I do like my job at Barnes and Noble. My co-workers are very kind and fun people. I've had a couple of rough shifts, but for the most part I do not have a problem whatsoever. Ignoring a few bumps in the road with getting recommendation for licensure from SUU... things are going well on that front currently.
You know, I feel like this has been a rather depressing blog, but the last five months or so have been rather depressing. And if I look back as far as my student teaching I was kind of depressed then, too. Don't get me wrong... my student teaching is such a bright spot when I think about college and well... anything after May 2011. But when I would get home from student teaching... it sucked. *shrugs*
To be perfectly honest I find myself thinking about last Spring and how I couldn't wait for the semester to end... couldn't wait to graduate. Am I a freaking idiot? *shakes head* I do, however, have hope (in fact I'm really confident in this) that I will be able to find a job somewhere and I'll be doing something I want to do. Something that has some forward direction.
Ha... I've been terminating a lot of stuff lately...
I'm really looking forward to going to Virginia next weekend. I'm going to a career fair and will see some family. I don't really want to pay for the gas, but doing something like that is really just an investment into finding a job. Gotta do what I gotta do.
And at the end of the month, the same day as BRANDON! (LOL) I am taking the cotton pickin' PLT... FINALLY. Grew tired of asking my parents for financial support. It's also just a big pain in the butt. Oddly enough though, the job fair and the prospect of having to study and take that last Praxis test... I'm finding it very calming.
Probably because it's familiar... haven't had too much of that lately...
A few weeks ago I felt like I had a routine going and time was passing quickly and things were rolling. Then I had to... well. That's not important.
And now that I have efficiently rambled on and on and on... I think I'm done :)
So... it's been a while. A little over three months. I don't really know where to start but I do know that if there is such a thing that resembles a universal list of reasons to do things and reason to not do things I want to add these reasons if they are not currently already there:
Not Approved Reasons:
- Because of someone else.
Approved Reasons:
- Moving forward... even though it feels like there's an imaginary fist twisting my heart in my chest.- Because the alternative makes me want to vomit.
I guess these are left up to individual opinions and circumstances. But I think they may be pretty universal. I've recently developed some more pet peeves as well. The reigning pet peeve is still: Cell phones during rehearsal. Makes the conductor turn into something that looks like this:
The new and very relative pet peeve: when people don't listen to what I say to them. Any more explanation is too annoying for me to want to type and too personal to share on the internet anyway.
Along the same lines... I substitute teach in the PP Schools. For those of you who don't know, or perhaps needs reminding. I grew up in.... da da-da daaaaa..... Barstow, CA
And went to College in the very beautiful Cedar City, UT
However, now, I live here: Pittsburgh, PA
The schools are just a wee bit different. Right off the bat, guys, if I wanted to I could work five days a week subbing. In Iron County I was told to not expect too many jobs.
Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is - you know, it takes a special educator to work inner-city schools. It takes an even more special, or perhaps, more desperate, human being to want to sub inner-city schools for longer than what is absolutely necessary.
I say this all, and think of all the really good schools I've seen. But my first two experiences were down right frightening. And every time I sub kids in high school all I hear is the F-bomb and the African American students in the room referring to themselves and their friends as "niggas."
I can't stand that. Both words make my ears want to BLEED and the double standard on the second is too much for me to handle...
All Day. And some of the students get really pissed at me for getting on their case about it. Some students have attempted to turn it around on me. Which they don't get away with or succeed at. And others give me an excuse that seriously makes me sad for them "We're black... you can't ask us not to talk like that."
When that happens I usually try to just breathe. But honestly, I think at THAT particular comment I rolled my eyes.
On a more positive note (I get here eventually) I do like my job at Barnes and Noble. My co-workers are very kind and fun people. I've had a couple of rough shifts, but for the most part I do not have a problem whatsoever. Ignoring a few bumps in the road with getting recommendation for licensure from SUU... things are going well on that front currently.
You know, I feel like this has been a rather depressing blog, but the last five months or so have been rather depressing. And if I look back as far as my student teaching I was kind of depressed then, too. Don't get me wrong... my student teaching is such a bright spot when I think about college and well... anything after May 2011. But when I would get home from student teaching... it sucked. *shrugs*
To be perfectly honest I find myself thinking about last Spring and how I couldn't wait for the semester to end... couldn't wait to graduate. Am I a freaking idiot? *shakes head* I do, however, have hope (in fact I'm really confident in this) that I will be able to find a job somewhere and I'll be doing something I want to do. Something that has some forward direction.
Ha... I've been terminating a lot of stuff lately...
I'm really looking forward to going to Virginia next weekend. I'm going to a career fair and will see some family. I don't really want to pay for the gas, but doing something like that is really just an investment into finding a job. Gotta do what I gotta do.
And at the end of the month, the same day as BRANDON! (LOL) I am taking the cotton pickin' PLT... FINALLY. Grew tired of asking my parents for financial support. It's also just a big pain in the butt. Oddly enough though, the job fair and the prospect of having to study and take that last Praxis test... I'm finding it very calming.
Probably because it's familiar... haven't had too much of that lately...
A few weeks ago I felt like I had a routine going and time was passing quickly and things were rolling. Then I had to... well. That's not important.
And now that I have efficiently rambled on and on and on... I think I'm done :)
Friday, January 13, 2012
See Ya, 2011, Wouldn't Want to Be Ya!
Alright so... it's been a while!
First of all: It's 2012! Yay! Because, let me tell you...
As freaking awesome as 2011 started out... most of it was filled with some of the most rough experiences I've ever had. Hope no one cares but... I refuse to elaborate on it. :)
I had this idea the other day to write a post of a list of things that I really loved about 2011 and the things that I really hated about 2011. Just to make it short, sweet and to the point.
2011 Downs:
1. The alienation that happens when one undergoes Student Teaching. We understand that university life is busy, but we didn't fall off the face of the earth either.
2. Gossip. Oh, how us young adults think we know EVERYTHING!
3. The DRIVE from Southern California to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania by way of Allen, Texas. Seeing the grandparents made it WORTH it... but not necessarily a highlight.
4. My car accident and my little run-in with it's alternator.
5. The changes in my family dynamics.
6. I can't trust everyone. Lesson learned. But also, I can't live my life with an inherent distrust of other human beings.
7. I used to think I could tell anything to my friends. My friendships, quite honestly, have grown more complicated in the last year than I ever wanted.
8. The disappointments. Big and small. By December, and even now, I can hardly cope with the small ones.
9. People talk. A lot.
10. My health from October - November.
1. My Sr. Recital. Was awesome, if I say so myself. I let some of my friends "dress me up" (shout out to Kelsie Stapley) and I loved my repertoire, and I had a good night that night. *bows* thank you :)
2. Graduation. This is a complicated one if the truth be told. I am grateful for my degree, and I graduated with Honors, but... it lost some of it's zing. Too much crap, as mentioned above. But, on the much brighter side... wouldn't have wanted to graduate with any body else. I love you guys: Nicole, Mike, Brandon, Tana, Randy, Gerry! And the vocalists which my memory is fuzzy about... sorry :(
3. China. The production of the Helen Foster Snow Project was truly unforgettable. I can't imagine having gone with anyone other than (except perhaps, Coley :( ): Heather, Mike, Tashina, Lydia, and Joe. And of course, Dr. V, Dr. Bradshaw, and Xun Sun. I can't believe we spent almost the entire month of July in China, guys. Even now!
4. Student Teaching with Lauralyn Anderson! I was nervous about my student teaching, especially because I wasn't too familiar with Canyon View Middle School's program. But, I had a freaking blast and I got a wonderful friend out of it :) One who helped me through that time of living in Cedar. Really, without her I would've been much more of a wreck. And trust me, I was one.
5. The Mario Nights with Brandon, Mike and Nicole. And these include dancing to Michael Jackson (and, Mike, working on the TWS) I have NEVER seen four more well suited, yet completely ridiculous, individuals playing the New Super Mario Bros Wii and beating it... while screaming and uttering profanities at each other...
6. Kelsie and Eric's wedding, although I was not present. And Candy's and Kris' wedding!
7. Brandon getting a job.
8. Moving, although this does not include to drive, to Pittsburgh.
9. Finding a new branch of our family tree :) Pellums!
While it's very obvious that 2011 had amazing moments, I am not sad to see it pass. Because, to be brutally honest... the rough patches have been very rough and long-living. The good stuff was really good, let me tell ya, but not enough to offset everything else.
Cheers to 2012. I have a good feeling about this....
First of all: It's 2012! Yay! Because, let me tell you...
As freaking awesome as 2011 started out... most of it was filled with some of the most rough experiences I've ever had. Hope no one cares but... I refuse to elaborate on it. :)
I had this idea the other day to write a post of a list of things that I really loved about 2011 and the things that I really hated about 2011. Just to make it short, sweet and to the point.
I'll start with the negatives first (ha!) so we can end on a positive note shall we?
2011 Downs:
1. The alienation that happens when one undergoes Student Teaching. We understand that university life is busy, but we didn't fall off the face of the earth either.
2. Gossip. Oh, how us young adults think we know EVERYTHING!
3. The DRIVE from Southern California to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania by way of Allen, Texas. Seeing the grandparents made it WORTH it... but not necessarily a highlight.
4. My car accident and my little run-in with it's alternator.
5. The changes in my family dynamics.
6. I can't trust everyone. Lesson learned. But also, I can't live my life with an inherent distrust of other human beings.
7. I used to think I could tell anything to my friends. My friendships, quite honestly, have grown more complicated in the last year than I ever wanted.
8. The disappointments. Big and small. By December, and even now, I can hardly cope with the small ones.
9. People talk. A lot.
10. My health from October - November.
2011 Ups:
1. My Sr. Recital. Was awesome, if I say so myself. I let some of my friends "dress me up" (shout out to Kelsie Stapley) and I loved my repertoire, and I had a good night that night. *bows* thank you :)
2. Graduation. This is a complicated one if the truth be told. I am grateful for my degree, and I graduated with Honors, but... it lost some of it's zing. Too much crap, as mentioned above. But, on the much brighter side... wouldn't have wanted to graduate with any body else. I love you guys: Nicole, Mike, Brandon, Tana, Randy, Gerry! And the vocalists which my memory is fuzzy about... sorry :(
3. China. The production of the Helen Foster Snow Project was truly unforgettable. I can't imagine having gone with anyone other than (except perhaps, Coley :( ): Heather, Mike, Tashina, Lydia, and Joe. And of course, Dr. V, Dr. Bradshaw, and Xun Sun. I can't believe we spent almost the entire month of July in China, guys. Even now!
4. Student Teaching with Lauralyn Anderson! I was nervous about my student teaching, especially because I wasn't too familiar with Canyon View Middle School's program. But, I had a freaking blast and I got a wonderful friend out of it :) One who helped me through that time of living in Cedar. Really, without her I would've been much more of a wreck. And trust me, I was one.
6. Kelsie and Eric's wedding, although I was not present. And Candy's and Kris' wedding!
7. Brandon getting a job.
8. Moving, although this does not include to drive, to Pittsburgh.
9. Finding a new branch of our family tree :) Pellums!
While it's very obvious that 2011 had amazing moments, I am not sad to see it pass. Because, to be brutally honest... the rough patches have been very rough and long-living. The good stuff was really good, let me tell ya, but not enough to offset everything else.
Cheers to 2012. I have a good feeling about this....
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
My Letter to Cedar City
Before I Begin: I've spent the better part of the last six weeks not in Cedar City. Also, I have spent the better part of the last ten minutes attempting to disarm the smoke alarm in my roommate's room. It wouldn't stop chirping. I was freaking out...
Oh, and this is obviously not a China Trip Blog - but I still have one more blog about that trip. Just not in the mood to elaborate on that particular thing tonight.
Note: I got this idea when I was driving back up here from Barstow. I had stopped listening to the radio and it was silent in my car from the north side of the Virgin River Gorge and I was tired, and slightly cranky from driving. And hot because my AC doesn't work. I mean everything in this letter, but it actually doesn't bother me after I arrive in my apartment and get on with life. At least... the more important things in life. But I thought it could be a very entertaining blog - to document some of my RIDICULOUS thoughts on the way up late Sunday night. :)
Dear Cedar City,
First of all, in all my drives back and forth between here and Barstow I have yet to not lose my patience between St. George and here. I've never been able to go up those steeper inclines on my cruise control - and I freaking hate when I lose momentum and then have to manually control my speed while climbing. Because I suck at it, and I'm so ready to be done by this point. But Sunday night I thought I could make it -- but there was road construction. Really? That very well may have been my last drive up here for ANYTHING. Ever. Ever think about that, Cedar, huh? Maybe you should collaborate with St. George and think about fixing this problem. Like ban all the really old people from driving post road construction...
Also, this is the only city I've ever driven in where the streets are so smooth. I actually really love that about you, Cedar - your streets are always in great condition. But, you see... those things that the Ninja Turtles climb out of and use as a sewage traveling are every block right where my left tires are usually aligned. Because, you see, there're cars parked along the curb, and so I can't exactly get much closer to them to avoid these sewage things. And then if I swerved the other way I'd be facing oncoming traffic. So I'm left with no choice than to let my left tires endure constant bumps - so my question is: why is the street so much higher than those stupid lids that cover whatever it is that they cover? And why can't they be in the dead center of the street? Where no one will hit them on a consistent basis...
Oh! And why does Hamilton Fort completely psych me out into thinking it's Cedar? And one of those mile markers is WRONG! I don't care what anyone says.
Why are you called a Mountain-Desert? It only confuses the citizens of this very beautiful city. It tricks the natives into thinking you are actually more of a desert, than a mountain. You are not a desert. At least not just a desert. Let's be honest here, Cedar, you get water throughout the summer (not often, but throughout) and you snow. You also have... greenery. Beautiful red soil, unforgettable sunsets, gorgeous thunder storms, and GREENERY. Have you met my dear old friend, Barstow? Let people see the whole you. Your "Mountain" side, if you will. It's sexier...
You are the home, Cedar, of the off-ramp that gives me vertigo every time. Every. Single. Time. You should be proud, because I usually stop in Mesquite and then have to deal with the insane hairpin turn of an on-ramp -- but I don't experience the wonderful feeling of vertigo until I get off at your first exit. Then I can't seem to manage to "feel" the 45 mph speed limit for those precious blocks on Main Street. Which reminds me, you really need to take a look at why your speed limits are what they are....
I appreciate your clean air and blue skies, Cedar. I spent three weeks away from you and missed you terribly. But unfortunately when I'm here again, I want to be gone again. Do you know why that is Cedar? I bet you do. Take a look at the people who are here, and the people who are not. Thank you for keeping so many people I love employed, schooled, and otherwise stuck here in the little city that is so charmingly Cedar. However, I can't help but want you to be something you're just not. It's not you... it's me...
Along with the people, I appreciate the University here, and the professor's I was so lucky to work with. I do... deep down, truly love you, Cedar. But I'm kind of coming to the end of my rope. But will always look back at my time spent getting to know you very fondly. I've grown up in so many ways because of the opportunities you have afforded me. Location can be everything. And I have, overall, loved being here.
But I thought I was going to die the other night when I was driving and couldn't see the lines defining the lanes at times. You could adopt the idea of bot-dots from Vegas that glow when my lights shine on them and let me know that I am, indeed, not going to die because I'm in a lane. Also -- I can't find a radio station that plays Rock Music - just like a million that play Country. This... is a problem.
But I love you. Despite the things that drive me crazy when I drive here...
Love, Katy
Oh, and this is obviously not a China Trip Blog - but I still have one more blog about that trip. Just not in the mood to elaborate on that particular thing tonight.
Note: I got this idea when I was driving back up here from Barstow. I had stopped listening to the radio and it was silent in my car from the north side of the Virgin River Gorge and I was tired, and slightly cranky from driving. And hot because my AC doesn't work. I mean everything in this letter, but it actually doesn't bother me after I arrive in my apartment and get on with life. At least... the more important things in life. But I thought it could be a very entertaining blog - to document some of my RIDICULOUS thoughts on the way up late Sunday night. :)
Dear Cedar City,
First of all, in all my drives back and forth between here and Barstow I have yet to not lose my patience between St. George and here. I've never been able to go up those steeper inclines on my cruise control - and I freaking hate when I lose momentum and then have to manually control my speed while climbing. Because I suck at it, and I'm so ready to be done by this point. But Sunday night I thought I could make it -- but there was road construction. Really? That very well may have been my last drive up here for ANYTHING. Ever. Ever think about that, Cedar, huh? Maybe you should collaborate with St. George and think about fixing this problem. Like ban all the really old people from driving post road construction...
Also, this is the only city I've ever driven in where the streets are so smooth. I actually really love that about you, Cedar - your streets are always in great condition. But, you see... those things that the Ninja Turtles climb out of and use as a sewage traveling are every block right where my left tires are usually aligned. Because, you see, there're cars parked along the curb, and so I can't exactly get much closer to them to avoid these sewage things. And then if I swerved the other way I'd be facing oncoming traffic. So I'm left with no choice than to let my left tires endure constant bumps - so my question is: why is the street so much higher than those stupid lids that cover whatever it is that they cover? And why can't they be in the dead center of the street? Where no one will hit them on a consistent basis...
Oh! And why does Hamilton Fort completely psych me out into thinking it's Cedar? And one of those mile markers is WRONG! I don't care what anyone says.
Why are you called a Mountain-Desert? It only confuses the citizens of this very beautiful city. It tricks the natives into thinking you are actually more of a desert, than a mountain. You are not a desert. At least not just a desert. Let's be honest here, Cedar, you get water throughout the summer (not often, but throughout) and you snow. You also have... greenery. Beautiful red soil, unforgettable sunsets, gorgeous thunder storms, and GREENERY. Have you met my dear old friend, Barstow? Let people see the whole you. Your "Mountain" side, if you will. It's sexier...
You are the home, Cedar, of the off-ramp that gives me vertigo every time. Every. Single. Time. You should be proud, because I usually stop in Mesquite and then have to deal with the insane hairpin turn of an on-ramp -- but I don't experience the wonderful feeling of vertigo until I get off at your first exit. Then I can't seem to manage to "feel" the 45 mph speed limit for those precious blocks on Main Street. Which reminds me, you really need to take a look at why your speed limits are what they are....
I appreciate your clean air and blue skies, Cedar. I spent three weeks away from you and missed you terribly. But unfortunately when I'm here again, I want to be gone again. Do you know why that is Cedar? I bet you do. Take a look at the people who are here, and the people who are not. Thank you for keeping so many people I love employed, schooled, and otherwise stuck here in the little city that is so charmingly Cedar. However, I can't help but want you to be something you're just not. It's not you... it's me...
Along with the people, I appreciate the University here, and the professor's I was so lucky to work with. I do... deep down, truly love you, Cedar. But I'm kind of coming to the end of my rope. But will always look back at my time spent getting to know you very fondly. I've grown up in so many ways because of the opportunities you have afforded me. Location can be everything. And I have, overall, loved being here.
But I thought I was going to die the other night when I was driving and couldn't see the lines defining the lanes at times. You could adopt the idea of bot-dots from Vegas that glow when my lights shine on them and let me know that I am, indeed, not going to die because I'm in a lane. Also -- I can't find a radio station that plays Rock Music - just like a million that play Country. This... is a problem.
But I love you. Despite the things that drive me crazy when I drive here...
Love, Katy
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Food and French Kissing (China Trip Part 3)
I've always been a fan of card games, and food. They usually go together, but in this trip it was more like we played cards probably as a sense of normalcy, and a reason to stay in air conditioned facilities.
We were fed in the same compound as we went to rehearse. By the time we got there the dancers had already set up some sort of routine with the really sweet and nice Chinese ladies who cooked two meals a day for us (lunch and dinner). Among my favorites were the Shrimp and Broccoli, any type of bread (lol), the fruit, and honestly, I couldn't even make up names for some of the dishes I really liked but wasn't really sure what was in it. Most of the food that was brought to us was delicious.
Chopsticks.
Never again will I go three weeks where I use chopsticks at almost every meal. I got it down-ish, eventually! The food over there almost needs to be eaten with chopsticks... haha
We did have breakfast at a different place than lunch and dinner: The Hotel.
The last time I went out of the country, was to Australia, and I remember relying on the fact that they would serve toast at breakfast almost anywhere we went. I don't have toast in the States very often - I have Cereal for breakfast.... but I love toast out of the country.
And in the Hotel, we were served a boiled egg, corn, yogurt, hot water, sausages and two pieces of toast every morning... mostly. I liked it all but never was in the mood for corn that early in the morning...
But I did like to take people's toast. But sometimes I had the guts to ask for more. However, no matter how much I pantomimed or pointed... I was very rarely successful in asking for more. It was kind of depressing.
Oh, and orange spread... disgusting. :P
And, I don't think this will surprise anyone, Mike lasted until just a little bit after this trip (a little more than halfway through the stay) before he wanted salt, sugar and soda.
I must've learned like seven card games I didn't know previously when I was there. Joe knows a lot of card games, let me tell you.
My favorites were playing Phase 10 with Dr. Bradshaw because he got probably one of his first glimpses at my ridiculously competitive card playing side. I find great enjoyment in "going out" when hardly anyone has phased :).
We (as in mostly me, Lydia, Joe and Mike) played Hearts, Five Crowns, Rummy, Lucky Unders, and Rich Man Poor Man (some people call it "Scum"). There was a point in the trip, however, where we played with Heather and Tashina a little bit more often. I don't think either of them like cards that much...
BUT - we were playing Rich Man Poor Man and Lydia was trying to help out and would shuffle the cards that were no longer being used to play. I don't know how many rounds we went before we all realized that Tashina was passing just to pass. So one of us asked why she wasn't participating and she says....
"Lydia shuffled my HAND!"
I guess she couldn't play after her hand was shuffled away... :)
Not to mention that I couldn't get Joe out of Lydia's and my room sometimes. It'd be close to midnight, and we were all a bit jet lagged and Joe turns to me and asks "Am I a truck?" and just... starts... cracking up!
Apparently that question is only funny when you get to a certain point of exhaustion. Which Joe obviously was.
Alright before I go on I must mention that I roomed with Lydia. We had a good time. But like... the third night or something like that I apparently was sleep talking... asking her if she was okay, and then mumbling about being in China and getting killed or hurt or something.
I have no recollection of this. Obviously. Because I was sleep talking.
And Joe roomed with Mike - who kept him up with his snoring. Poor guy...
One of our favorite games by the end of the trip was Lucky Unders... which we had nicknames for mostly every part of that game:
Normal - Us
Unders - Panties
Overs - Bras
Hand - Hand (okay yeah we couldn't think of something stupid here hahaha)
Lucky Unders - Dirty Underwear
And when we dealt it was always an adventure...
We also played Rich Man Poor Man as a group of six including: Me, Joe, Lydia, Dr Bradshaw, Dr. Vartan and Mike.
Dr. V is insanely good at this game and there was ONE TIME... when I was sitting Queen under her as the King, and I had three of the four Jokers. I had played one already... and then decided to take control of the round and took like two Aces or something away from her and totally threw off her entire game play. She was stuck with like... one three or something like that. I'll never forget being told MULTIPLE times by Dr. V that she would never forget when I played my two Jokers and totally screwed her up... LOL
The conversation during the card games were also hilarious. One night stands out to me in particular because we were in the Hunan Province and I succumbed to staying up till 3am so that Joe could bother me to his heart's content....
We played through most of our card games and the subject found it's way to French Kissing and how Mike has yet to do it, and (since I kind of forgot what Joe's take on it was hahaha, I think he mostly talked about how he married Britania) I didn't understand how Lydia doesn't like it because I do!!
We all bonded that night. It was good because we weren't prying. Prying is irritating...
Just as a closer - there was a point when Lydia was trying to teach Heather Patty Cake which I found hilarious!
And the morning we were getting ready to leave for the airport to go home, Lydia had a conversation that went a little like this...
Katy: "Ugh, I won't miss this lighting..."
Lydia: "Yeah... florescent coming downward..."
Katy: "Yeah... coming from the topward?"
Topward?!
We were fed in the same compound as we went to rehearse. By the time we got there the dancers had already set up some sort of routine with the really sweet and nice Chinese ladies who cooked two meals a day for us (lunch and dinner). Among my favorites were the Shrimp and Broccoli, any type of bread (lol), the fruit, and honestly, I couldn't even make up names for some of the dishes I really liked but wasn't really sure what was in it. Most of the food that was brought to us was delicious.
Chopsticks.
Never again will I go three weeks where I use chopsticks at almost every meal. I got it down-ish, eventually! The food over there almost needs to be eaten with chopsticks... haha
We did have breakfast at a different place than lunch and dinner: The Hotel.
The last time I went out of the country, was to Australia, and I remember relying on the fact that they would serve toast at breakfast almost anywhere we went. I don't have toast in the States very often - I have Cereal for breakfast.... but I love toast out of the country.
And in the Hotel, we were served a boiled egg, corn, yogurt, hot water, sausages and two pieces of toast every morning... mostly. I liked it all but never was in the mood for corn that early in the morning...
But I did like to take people's toast. But sometimes I had the guts to ask for more. However, no matter how much I pantomimed or pointed... I was very rarely successful in asking for more. It was kind of depressing.
Oh, and orange spread... disgusting. :P
The most interesting experience, at least as far as food goes, was when the musicians all went to the Hunan Province and were treated to two very amazing meals of ... I couldn't really tell you. I do know that among what is on the table in the next picture is at least two parts of the duck I would never even think to make into food. Mike and I had a bit of hard time. I was trying mostly everything. My eyes were watering, I probably looked flushed. And I very rarely went back for seconds on anything. BUT - I could tell these things were acquired tastes... and then you love them, you know? Really good Chinese food!
I must've learned like seven card games I didn't know previously when I was there. Joe knows a lot of card games, let me tell you.
My favorites were playing Phase 10 with Dr. Bradshaw because he got probably one of his first glimpses at my ridiculously competitive card playing side. I find great enjoyment in "going out" when hardly anyone has phased :).
We (as in mostly me, Lydia, Joe and Mike) played Hearts, Five Crowns, Rummy, Lucky Unders, and Rich Man Poor Man (some people call it "Scum"). There was a point in the trip, however, where we played with Heather and Tashina a little bit more often. I don't think either of them like cards that much...
BUT - we were playing Rich Man Poor Man and Lydia was trying to help out and would shuffle the cards that were no longer being used to play. I don't know how many rounds we went before we all realized that Tashina was passing just to pass. So one of us asked why she wasn't participating and she says....
"Lydia shuffled my HAND!"
I guess she couldn't play after her hand was shuffled away... :)
Not to mention that I couldn't get Joe out of Lydia's and my room sometimes. It'd be close to midnight, and we were all a bit jet lagged and Joe turns to me and asks "Am I a truck?" and just... starts... cracking up!
Apparently that question is only funny when you get to a certain point of exhaustion. Which Joe obviously was.
Alright before I go on I must mention that I roomed with Lydia. We had a good time. But like... the third night or something like that I apparently was sleep talking... asking her if she was okay, and then mumbling about being in China and getting killed or hurt or something.
I have no recollection of this. Obviously. Because I was sleep talking.
And Joe roomed with Mike - who kept him up with his snoring. Poor guy...
One of our favorite games by the end of the trip was Lucky Unders... which we had nicknames for mostly every part of that game:
Normal - Us
Unders - Panties
Overs - Bras
Hand - Hand (okay yeah we couldn't think of something stupid here hahaha)
Lucky Unders - Dirty Underwear
And when we dealt it was always an adventure...
We also played Rich Man Poor Man as a group of six including: Me, Joe, Lydia, Dr Bradshaw, Dr. Vartan and Mike.
Dr. V is insanely good at this game and there was ONE TIME... when I was sitting Queen under her as the King, and I had three of the four Jokers. I had played one already... and then decided to take control of the round and took like two Aces or something away from her and totally threw off her entire game play. She was stuck with like... one three or something like that. I'll never forget being told MULTIPLE times by Dr. V that she would never forget when I played my two Jokers and totally screwed her up... LOL
The conversation during the card games were also hilarious. One night stands out to me in particular because we were in the Hunan Province and I succumbed to staying up till 3am so that Joe could bother me to his heart's content....
We played through most of our card games and the subject found it's way to French Kissing and how Mike has yet to do it, and (since I kind of forgot what Joe's take on it was hahaha, I think he mostly talked about how he married Britania) I didn't understand how Lydia doesn't like it because I do!!
We all bonded that night. It was good because we weren't prying. Prying is irritating...
Just as a closer - there was a point when Lydia was trying to teach Heather Patty Cake which I found hilarious!
And the morning we were getting ready to leave for the airport to go home, Lydia had a conversation that went a little like this...
Katy: "Ugh, I won't miss this lighting..."
Lydia: "Yeah... florescent coming downward..."
Katy: "Yeah... coming from the topward?"
Topward?!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Under Hot Conditions (China Part Two)
Before I begin I have one question: How DEAD do I look in this picture?
I title this picture: "Jet Lag"
(Look how blood shot my eyes are... oye)
I usually -- don't look that... strung out in the morning. Oh, but this was taken at like 4pm this afternoon. It's sexy...
Anyway - so I have many a story about the whole musical aspect of the trip to China to share with all of you :)
Overall I thought the production went really really well. For those of you who don't know - we put on a Musical Drama with the Hubei Dance and Orchestra Company. It's titled, "The Dream of Helen" and is about Helen Foster Snow's compassion toward the Chinese people in the earlier part of the 1900s.
When we arrived it wasn't long before we started rehearsing with the dancers. Like day three. And we were set up really oddly in the pit in the theatre. So instead of the brass on the side with the percussion, it was the woodwinds. So essentially -- I had the piccolo player, and Dr. Vartan on Timpani in the same ear and in the space less than three feet away from me. It was loud - especially with the composer (Lou) wanted us to play "A-thousand forte." I've never, in my life, been asked so many times... to play louder. Ever.
To make it even more... traumatizing (?), Dr. Vartan has this particular part toward the very very end of the production where she hits these two eighth notes at the end of the measure... for a while. It's super catchy, but super loud. It was rather jolting. And the Piccolo has these obscenely high trills (like sounding two octaves over anything else that is going on) during the nightmare part of the end of the show and... that was always so wonderful to hear. It's okay though -- I laughed on this inside because she did a really good job and I feel her pain.
We moved to the really nice theatre for a dress/tech rehearsal on the Friday and Saturday before we left to come back to the States. There's something about the people of Wuhan you need to understand. It's hot and humid. To me, almost unbearably so. And they won't turn the AC on until it's time to rehearse. So, if you're like Tashina, Heather and myself and want to run through some fast passages BEFORE rehearsal -- you're going to sweat half your body weight off...
But my ultimate point is that when you've got a full orchestra in a pit and don't turn the AC on before we all cram in there... we're NEVER going to feel the air. Ever. We're just going to sweat, and blow hot air through the woodwinds and brass and then we're going to start stinking and we're going to be pissed off and we're not going to play our best. Poor brass guys and having to find partials... I was slipping on my instrument...
I've decided to get all my more depressing stories out of the way before I talk about the funny ones. The principle violist. Was a guy. And he had a really beautiful solo in one of the parts, but the composer decided to change it to a Cello solo -- for volume, richness of sound, whatever. And, something about that killed me!
There's something about his face, and his mannerism that caught me off guard a bit. He was so quiet, and he wasn't fidgety, but I could tell when he was uncomfortable because he would sort of play with his hands, or with his bow. And I would just want to cry -- and here's the weird part. He's a grown man, and he's probably just quiet and just going with the flow. This is the way the world works right? But he looked... so sad. It killed me...
And I'm just going to say this quickly - due to intense heat and another performance looming merely hours later -- we totally screwed up big time like three or four times during the Matinee performance the fourth day we were performing...
Sweat. We were like 60 sardines.
Oh -- not to mention the Stairs of Doom
One of the highlights, for me, was getting the opportunity to play the Native American Flute part on the Funeral March part of the production. I guess Helen's body guard dies, and the whole scene is just the N.A. Flute and Helen dancing and stuff like that. To keep with the symbolism of sharing our cultures, Lydia got to play a few parts on these flutes but I only played this particular one. It's sad, and depressing. It sighs but it's beautiful, too. I felt like I was milking it for all it's worth and I want to thank the other musicians from SUU who went too for their support and their compliments. I always looked forward to playing that.
On a funnier note, the Flute had to get passed from Lydia to myself in a matter of a few minutes. It went through about seven people before it would get to me and the person who handed it to me was always the first oboe player. He has a really good sense of humor. One night, he tried to hand me his oboe instead. I laughed, because I think it's very clever and funny. However, part of me panicked like "Um... give me the flute. Now."
Because I'm sort of intense like that.
And there was a night where it ended up in the Low Brass section to get passed... and they wanted to keep it. Go figure. The BRASS PEOPLE messing with me! Even in China!
There was also this one part - where the Cello's totally grooved out to their part, which was just the beat. They drove the melody and other things that were going on right there. I think it was just accented, short, quarter notes. But ... haha... they loved every single second of it!!!! It was fun to watch....
One of my favorite quotes of the trip:
"Piccolos happen." - Mike
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