So ... I'm not going to lie...
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
