Paths

Alright, so for some reason I feel a little guilty this morning. Why, you ask? Because I moved back to California and only told a handful of people. While those who bother to realize, figured it out, I do want to blog a little bit about it.

I guess you could say I'm a little gun shy to announce anything remotely controversial over facebook/twitter since my move to Pittsburgh post blew up in my face and I ended up puking my guts out. That's a story that doesn't need to be told again... and there's quite a few steps in between posting that I was moving to PA and then ending up in the hospital... twice. :S Anyway... onward...

But moving back to Barstow wasn't exactly what I had in mind when my parents and I moved me and all my stuff to Pittsburgh back in December. It wasn't what I had in mind when I found my jobs, won the battle to get my teaching credential, or when I went to WV for a job fair. And it definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I started applying for teaching jobs or when I had to make a make-shift plan for the summer.

But here's the bottom line, when me finding a music teaching job became second, and third to feeling like I needed to move out and "pay the bills," and that just finding any employment that could do that was the number one priority... it was obvious it was headed for disaster. Then was not the time.

Take that with a grain of salt... for what it's worth. But that's essentially why I moved back across the flipping country.

During my freshmen year at SUU I realized something about people... most people don't know what they want to study and major in when they're 18 years old. I was truly lucky to have a clear path - when I was 13 I made the decision to start doing my homework and go to college and major in music... performance. I also count myself incredibly fortunate that not only do I love it with a passion not much in my life compares to, but I'm good at it. I "get it." I don't have to try hard to understand the concepts.

I mean... don't get me wrong, I still worked my freaking butt off the whole time, but I wasn't having to fight with myself. 

So when I graduated, naturally, I had an idea of what life was going to be like afterward. My idea of what life would be like after graduation really only had one purpose: to motivate me to finish. Because nothing was how I thought it would be.

School has always been "easy" or rather, something I've always been able to enjoy. And I think of employment as an extension of school...

Which is the other point I want to blog a little bit about in this post. haha

Barstow High School started today. The schools in Iron County started Wednesday. My fellow SUU graduates are employed.

I don't have a job... yet. I've been actively searching for a good three/four months. That's a lot of waiting by my phone, obsessively checking my email, teachers-teachers and edjoin. And a lot of pep talks from Dad which essentially are the same things on repeat. 

I had a "come to Jesus" moment probably about three weeks after I moved to CA. It was really hard to switch gears... and I had to let a lot of notions go. For example... the thought that if I didn't get hired as a music teacher somewhere, I was a failure.

Let me tell you, that was hard to swallow, but I did it. Nowhere does it say that my success is incumbent on teaching music in the school year 2012-2013. On a side note: I really would really love to teach music this school year. Just throwing that out there...

And I guess that's the piece of advice I'll give out today. The stupid motivational quotes about having the right attitude, that if it doesn't work out it's not supposed to... they have a point. Because, I believe, when push comes to shove, everybody will find where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. As long as they aren't a hermit or something ridiculous like that...

And another side note: it doesn't count if you use it as an excuse to not do anything at all. 

I've got my fair share of ashes over the last year and a half. More than my fair share, I think. But, in and amongst those ashes are things that we can take with us, to make us better people. I do have to say this: I wanted to beat everyone who told me that. I feel this is something we all have to come to in our own time. There is a lesson in everything - and that's a Gift. Imagine a world where that wasn't possible... when circumstances do not turn out in your favor, to just be left at the mercy of those consequences.

pffft I like the idea that we become even better people because of those experiences... 

You know what I can't take with me that are left in the ashes? Things that I wanted and loved. Making a life in the eastern part of the US, perhaps even finding a job this year period, having an opportunity to be with a man I cared a ridiculous amount about, being closer friends with Keke... not having a summer  where the temperature is over 110 degrees for about a month and a half. haha

Those are so hard to let go. I'm not to the point where I can say "I wouldn't trade all those experiences for anything else," because I want to. So. Much. But holding on to ideas like that make me crazy.

Trying to embrace the other aspects of life at the moment. Of course, not giving up the mad searching for the job, and juggling the question of "Katy... you've just moved back to Barstow, what are you going to do next?" And that attitude alone has me smiling more often.

  But it's a journey, right? Sure... whatever. :)

I'm only 23 for crying out loud...

LOVE