I realize I haven't blogged in a while, but here is an update!
Concerning my last blog: I did not last 6 months, I lasted about 6 weeks. Maybe. I had a long talk with my Branch President and alleviated a lot of pressure I had put on myself. I want to be clear, however, that I do not take back ANYTHING I said in my post about being a part of the Mormon Culture.
Tonight is New Year's Eve for 2013.
I know that I blogged the New Years of 2011 and my life was in a hugely different place than it is now. But I did like that I sort of talked about the top ten moments, for me, of that year. I would like to share with you all the top 10 moments/events of 2013.
1. Started dating Adam:
I start with this first because it both happened in Jan/Feb and has influenced my life greatly. Adam is a great guy, and I feel lucky to go through our ups and our downs together.
2. Was retained at TBJUSD for another year:
I was told when I applied for this job that it was only promised for another year. I am lucky that we pulled the Music Program at TBJUSD from getting cut!!! Thank you to you all for your support!
3. My HS Band played for Continuation HS Graduation, 8th Grade Promotion AND THS Graduation:
This was a HUGE deal to me and my kiddos. Any school with a Band should have one that is able to play at Graduation - and Tulelake High School now has a great Band to help add culture and support throughout the campus.
4. Changed the 4th Grade Music Curriculum from Violin to Keyboard:
I haven't tuned a Violin at TES since April. And I'm TOTALLY okay with that.
5. Went to Alan, Texas and participated in a Rook Tournament:
Even though my sister and cousin won and were somewhat obnoxious, I'm glad that Granny and I were able to team up and .... get dealt the worst cards ON THE FREAKING PLANET!!!
6. Moved to Malin, Oregon:
I feel like a member of the Lower Klamath Basin and that my life isn't cut so in half. I've been able to do a lot of enriching things because I live here.
7. My HS Band went from 14 - 28 kiddos:
If you're a music person you understand the monumental achievement this is.
8. Attended the first SUU Alumni Band Concert:
And didn't want to murder the current Band Director. Personal growth, people! (Oh, and of course, saw most of my good friends and bought some Pandora Charms)
9. Had a wonderful round of Winter performances:
As I said before - the TBJUSD music program has gone from promised only for a year to community members and school board members (so I've heard) saying "What can we do to keep her here?" That feels wonderful, and I'm so excited the community is appreciating the music my students have prepared so hard for!
10. Adopted Magnum:
He's a German Shepherd. And he's mine. And he's a sweet boy.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Announcement
So ... I'm not going to lie...
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Seriously...
Well, well, well. It's been a good... I don't know, 9 months since I have let anyone know anything on this blog...?
I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.
I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.
Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.
Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...
I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.
Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)
I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.
Anyway...
I teach a wide variety of music education.
Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...
I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.
And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...
I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya...
And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.
I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.
PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.
Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.
What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly.
Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.
Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."
It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end.
It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.
You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.
*sighs*
The End.
I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.
I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.
Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.
Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...
I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.
Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)
I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.
Anyway...
I teach a wide variety of music education.
Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...
I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.
And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...
I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya...
And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.
I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.
PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.
Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.
What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly.
Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.
Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."
It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end.
It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.
You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.
*sighs*
The End.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)