Tonight I find myself in a predicament. It's late, I'm tired, and I'm upset. During sunshine hours the upset part wouldn't be bothering me too much. However, like magic, when the sun goes down I become a crazy emotional basketcase.
I haven't made up my mind to actually ramble during this blog, or blog about what is bothering me.
How about I make a list. A list of the 5 things I overthink of the most at night? Yeah, that sounds mildly entertaining...
1. Magnum's behavior before he falls asleep which is nice and loud. Grooming himself, readjusting how he's on his pet bed, and yawning. Really... the grooming thing drives me CRAZY.... but he's sweet and falls asleep with his black Kong Ball. And sometimes, like last night, I wake up and the only part of him that's on his pet bed is his butt and hind legs... which it hysterical. I love my dog, and his returned love is a welcome consistent thing in my life.
2. My job. I probably think far too much about my job on a regular basis, but it's just because I care so much about it. School's gonna start up again soon and I'm having to make some decisions and sometimes it takes me a while to land on the one idea/plan that feels right... in my gut. Those are always the best ideas...
3. My love life. This ranges the two extremes ... "I'm so glad that I'm not tied up in someone else's life at the moment when my life is so crazy" to "I am so lonley, why does no one love me?" And everything in between. Lately the realization I have admitted to myself is definitely NOT helping. And people in happy dating relationships piss me off just by existing. Conclusion: my heart hurts too much at night.
4. The mind battle of "I should lose weight" to "I should love my body the way it is." Nuff said, ladies? Everyone has this one.
5. What is going on tomorrow. For example, I have to go up to Klamath in the morning and I have spent too much time realizing and thinking about how many bugs are smashed onto the Jeep. And whether or not I should clean it multiple times because every time I come home from Klamath it's like I didn't wash my car at all...
Honorary Mention: THE MEANING OF LIFE!
I'm sure most of you can relate....
That is all.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Rage Blog: Expectations and Rom-Coms
So, if you are anything like me, you will probably identify with the subject of this blog.
I stream Netflix more than anyone really should - and the other day I was "in the mood" for a Romantic Comedy. I found a cute movie staring Haley Duff called "The Wedding Pact" and proceeded to sort of waste about an hour and a half of my life.
This particular movie is about a boy and girl who were best friends in college and the poor guy was never given the chance by the girl to date, but, of course, she loved him and she came up with this stupid pact that if they were both un-married in ten years, they would just you know... marry each other. Not the brightest idea in the world but hey, plot.
And of course it all works out. And it just... pissed me off. Let me tell you the extent of my dating life. From the ages of 0-24, I was single. Well I had a "boyfriend" when I was a tween but I was SO shy I couldn't even talk to him so I don't count him as an adult anymore. I dated a guy throughout 2013 and it didn't work out because he and I didn't want the same things out of life. And then I met a guy online who I thought was pretty wonderful... until he chickened out on me one too many times. And if I 'm 100% honest with myself, and with you (whomever may read this), I have on-again off-again feelings for a man... going on like 7 yrs here people... If my life were a romantic comedy I would not have had to force the off-switch. Whatever that means.
Here's the thing that made me upset with "The Wedding Pact." I have spent the vast majority of my life watching romantic comedies that have set up completely unrealistic expectations of men in my life. When a guy I really cared about moved across the country, I wanted him to make US happen despite the odds and the difficulty. I wanted to inspire my ex-boyfriend to put me where I belonged in his life. I wanted my online beau to be a as brave as I was.
I wanted all these men to step up to the plate, and do some huge romantic gesture - because I think that I'm worth someone leaping through figurative fiery hoops of death for. The reality is, I've been disappointed - all because of the unrealistic expectations that Romantic Comedies have instilled in my estrogen ruled brain.
But, wait a minute, that can't be all true, can it? I mean, let's be honest here, a lot can be realistically done without being melodramatic and meeting at the top of the Empire State Building right? And... quite frankly, the idea that I shouldn't have ANY expectations of people is really lame. So let's explore what COULD have been done in some instances that include me and my other girl friend.
I've got an easy one: my online beau could have TOLD me that he didn't want to meet me. Instead I had to get pretty darn cranky and then... I love this part... interpret silence. And subsequently feel like an idiot.
An old friend of mine, too, has been blown off recently in a similar manner. Often blind-sided, and with a serious lack of closure. Here's a quick part of our conversation:
Her: "So this past week I texted him on Monday asking when I was going to see him again and I didn't hear from him... So I texted him on Thursday and asked him if I was ever going to see him again, trying to be all joking-like."
Me: "I don't like where this is going...."
Her: "He proceeds to tell me that he's met up with someone from his past. But he feels really guilty cause I was so amazing and sweet and beautiful."
Me: "I'll telepathically kill him if you want me to.... and if you were so amazing why did he have no problem blowing you off?"
So. My point is... maybe the huge romantic gestures are NOT realistic... but I believe common decency is. And not stringing us ladies along... because I can tell you without hesitation that I'd rather be told something that hurts my feelings and that I don't necessarily want to hear... over being left to wonder what the heck is going on. Because that's super degrading and shame on you... internet beau of mine, and the other guy from my friends' love life... shame on you for not having the courage within yourself, or the respect for me and my friend to tell us the truth. For making us have to defend and stick up for ourselves.
I stream Netflix more than anyone really should - and the other day I was "in the mood" for a Romantic Comedy. I found a cute movie staring Haley Duff called "The Wedding Pact" and proceeded to sort of waste about an hour and a half of my life.
This particular movie is about a boy and girl who were best friends in college and the poor guy was never given the chance by the girl to date, but, of course, she loved him and she came up with this stupid pact that if they were both un-married in ten years, they would just you know... marry each other. Not the brightest idea in the world but hey, plot.
And of course it all works out. And it just... pissed me off. Let me tell you the extent of my dating life. From the ages of 0-24, I was single. Well I had a "boyfriend" when I was a tween but I was SO shy I couldn't even talk to him so I don't count him as an adult anymore. I dated a guy throughout 2013 and it didn't work out because he and I didn't want the same things out of life. And then I met a guy online who I thought was pretty wonderful... until he chickened out on me one too many times. And if I 'm 100% honest with myself, and with you (whomever may read this), I have on-again off-again feelings for a man... going on like 7 yrs here people... If my life were a romantic comedy I would not have had to force the off-switch. Whatever that means.
Here's the thing that made me upset with "The Wedding Pact." I have spent the vast majority of my life watching romantic comedies that have set up completely unrealistic expectations of men in my life. When a guy I really cared about moved across the country, I wanted him to make US happen despite the odds and the difficulty. I wanted to inspire my ex-boyfriend to put me where I belonged in his life. I wanted my online beau to be a as brave as I was.
I wanted all these men to step up to the plate, and do some huge romantic gesture - because I think that I'm worth someone leaping through figurative fiery hoops of death for. The reality is, I've been disappointed - all because of the unrealistic expectations that Romantic Comedies have instilled in my estrogen ruled brain.
But, wait a minute, that can't be all true, can it? I mean, let's be honest here, a lot can be realistically done without being melodramatic and meeting at the top of the Empire State Building right? And... quite frankly, the idea that I shouldn't have ANY expectations of people is really lame. So let's explore what COULD have been done in some instances that include me and my other girl friend.
I've got an easy one: my online beau could have TOLD me that he didn't want to meet me. Instead I had to get pretty darn cranky and then... I love this part... interpret silence. And subsequently feel like an idiot.
An old friend of mine, too, has been blown off recently in a similar manner. Often blind-sided, and with a serious lack of closure. Here's a quick part of our conversation:
Her: "So this past week I texted him on Monday asking when I was going to see him again and I didn't hear from him... So I texted him on Thursday and asked him if I was ever going to see him again, trying to be all joking-like."
Me: "I don't like where this is going...."
Her: "He proceeds to tell me that he's met up with someone from his past. But he feels really guilty cause I was so amazing and sweet and beautiful."
Me: "I'll telepathically kill him if you want me to.... and if you were so amazing why did he have no problem blowing you off?"
This "blowing off" happened after almost two months of constant communication and effort made on both sides to spend time with each other.
So. My point is... maybe the huge romantic gestures are NOT realistic... but I believe common decency is. And not stringing us ladies along... because I can tell you without hesitation that I'd rather be told something that hurts my feelings and that I don't necessarily want to hear... over being left to wonder what the heck is going on. Because that's super degrading and shame on you... internet beau of mine, and the other guy from my friends' love life... shame on you for not having the courage within yourself, or the respect for me and my friend to tell us the truth. For making us have to defend and stick up for ourselves.
That is all.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Farewell to 2013
I realize I haven't blogged in a while, but here is an update!
Concerning my last blog: I did not last 6 months, I lasted about 6 weeks. Maybe. I had a long talk with my Branch President and alleviated a lot of pressure I had put on myself. I want to be clear, however, that I do not take back ANYTHING I said in my post about being a part of the Mormon Culture.
Tonight is New Year's Eve for 2013.
I know that I blogged the New Years of 2011 and my life was in a hugely different place than it is now. But I did like that I sort of talked about the top ten moments, for me, of that year. I would like to share with you all the top 10 moments/events of 2013.
1. Started dating Adam:
I start with this first because it both happened in Jan/Feb and has influenced my life greatly. Adam is a great guy, and I feel lucky to go through our ups and our downs together.
2. Was retained at TBJUSD for another year:
I was told when I applied for this job that it was only promised for another year. I am lucky that we pulled the Music Program at TBJUSD from getting cut!!! Thank you to you all for your support!
3. My HS Band played for Continuation HS Graduation, 8th Grade Promotion AND THS Graduation:
This was a HUGE deal to me and my kiddos. Any school with a Band should have one that is able to play at Graduation - and Tulelake High School now has a great Band to help add culture and support throughout the campus.
4. Changed the 4th Grade Music Curriculum from Violin to Keyboard:
I haven't tuned a Violin at TES since April. And I'm TOTALLY okay with that.
5. Went to Alan, Texas and participated in a Rook Tournament:
Even though my sister and cousin won and were somewhat obnoxious, I'm glad that Granny and I were able to team up and .... get dealt the worst cards ON THE FREAKING PLANET!!!
6. Moved to Malin, Oregon:
I feel like a member of the Lower Klamath Basin and that my life isn't cut so in half. I've been able to do a lot of enriching things because I live here.
7. My HS Band went from 14 - 28 kiddos:
If you're a music person you understand the monumental achievement this is.
8. Attended the first SUU Alumni Band Concert:
And didn't want to murder the current Band Director. Personal growth, people! (Oh, and of course, saw most of my good friends and bought some Pandora Charms)
9. Had a wonderful round of Winter performances:
As I said before - the TBJUSD music program has gone from promised only for a year to community members and school board members (so I've heard) saying "What can we do to keep her here?" That feels wonderful, and I'm so excited the community is appreciating the music my students have prepared so hard for!
10. Adopted Magnum:
He's a German Shepherd. And he's mine. And he's a sweet boy.
Concerning my last blog: I did not last 6 months, I lasted about 6 weeks. Maybe. I had a long talk with my Branch President and alleviated a lot of pressure I had put on myself. I want to be clear, however, that I do not take back ANYTHING I said in my post about being a part of the Mormon Culture.
Tonight is New Year's Eve for 2013.
I know that I blogged the New Years of 2011 and my life was in a hugely different place than it is now. But I did like that I sort of talked about the top ten moments, for me, of that year. I would like to share with you all the top 10 moments/events of 2013.
1. Started dating Adam:
I start with this first because it both happened in Jan/Feb and has influenced my life greatly. Adam is a great guy, and I feel lucky to go through our ups and our downs together.
2. Was retained at TBJUSD for another year:
I was told when I applied for this job that it was only promised for another year. I am lucky that we pulled the Music Program at TBJUSD from getting cut!!! Thank you to you all for your support!
3. My HS Band played for Continuation HS Graduation, 8th Grade Promotion AND THS Graduation:
This was a HUGE deal to me and my kiddos. Any school with a Band should have one that is able to play at Graduation - and Tulelake High School now has a great Band to help add culture and support throughout the campus.
4. Changed the 4th Grade Music Curriculum from Violin to Keyboard:
I haven't tuned a Violin at TES since April. And I'm TOTALLY okay with that.
5. Went to Alan, Texas and participated in a Rook Tournament:
Even though my sister and cousin won and were somewhat obnoxious, I'm glad that Granny and I were able to team up and .... get dealt the worst cards ON THE FREAKING PLANET!!!
6. Moved to Malin, Oregon:
I feel like a member of the Lower Klamath Basin and that my life isn't cut so in half. I've been able to do a lot of enriching things because I live here.
7. My HS Band went from 14 - 28 kiddos:
If you're a music person you understand the monumental achievement this is.
8. Attended the first SUU Alumni Band Concert:
And didn't want to murder the current Band Director. Personal growth, people! (Oh, and of course, saw most of my good friends and bought some Pandora Charms)
9. Had a wonderful round of Winter performances:
As I said before - the TBJUSD music program has gone from promised only for a year to community members and school board members (so I've heard) saying "What can we do to keep her here?" That feels wonderful, and I'm so excited the community is appreciating the music my students have prepared so hard for!
10. Adopted Magnum:
He's a German Shepherd. And he's mine. And he's a sweet boy.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Announcement
So ... I'm not going to lie...
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.
The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.
First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.
The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.
Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."
What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."
... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels.
So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember.
I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual.
So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)
No... we don't.
As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.
Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is.
But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.
One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.
I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock.
I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be.
I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?
I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.
I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.
Congratulations, but that's not my life.
I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.
He is not a non member. He is a good person.
I am a good person.
And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.
So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.
I won't. I can't.
I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today.
Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)
And I am asking for respect over this decision.
I have to breathe.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Seriously...
Well, well, well. It's been a good... I don't know, 9 months since I have let anyone know anything on this blog...?
I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.
I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.
Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.
Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...
I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.
Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)
I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.
Anyway...
I teach a wide variety of music education.
Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...
I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.
And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...
I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya...
And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.
I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.
PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.
Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.
What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly.
Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.
Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."
It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end.
It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.
You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.
*sighs*
The End.
I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.
I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.
Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.
Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...
I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.
Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)
I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.
Anyway...
I teach a wide variety of music education.
Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...
I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.
And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...
I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya...
And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.
I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.
PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.
Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.
What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly.
Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.
Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."
It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end.
It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.
You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.
*sighs*
The End.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Paths
Alright, so for some reason I feel a little guilty this morning. Why, you ask? Because I moved back to California and only told a handful of people. While those who bother to realize, figured it out, I do want to blog a little bit about it.
I guess you could say I'm a little gun shy to announce anything remotely controversial over facebook/twitter since my move to Pittsburgh post blew up in my face and I ended up puking my guts out. That's a story that doesn't need to be told again... and there's quite a few steps in between posting that I was moving to PA and then ending up in the hospital... twice. :S Anyway... onward...
But moving back to Barstow wasn't exactly what I had in mind when my parents and I moved me and all my stuff to Pittsburgh back in December. It wasn't what I had in mind when I found my jobs, won the battle to get my teaching credential, or when I went to WV for a job fair. And it definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I started applying for teaching jobs or when I had to make a make-shift plan for the summer.
But here's the bottom line, when me finding a music teaching job became second, and third to feeling like I needed to move out and "pay the bills," and that just finding any employment that could do that was the number one priority... it was obvious it was headed for disaster. Then was not the time.
Take that with a grain of salt... for what it's worth. But that's essentially why I moved back across the flipping country.
During my freshmen year at SUU I realized something about people... most people don't know what they want to study and major in when they're 18 years old. I was truly lucky to have a clear path - when I was 13 I made the decision to start doing my homework and go to college and major in music... performance. I also count myself incredibly fortunate that not only do I love it with a passion not much in my life compares to, but I'm good at it. I "get it." I don't have to try hard to understand the concepts.
I mean... don't get me wrong, I still worked my freaking butt off the whole time, but I wasn't having to fight with myself.
So when I graduated, naturally, I had an idea of what life was going to be like afterward. My idea of what life would be like after graduation really only had one purpose: to motivate me to finish. Because nothing was how I thought it would be.
School has always been "easy" or rather, something I've always been able to enjoy. And I think of employment as an extension of school...
Which is the other point I want to blog a little bit about in this post. haha
Barstow High School started today. The schools in Iron County started Wednesday. My fellow SUU graduates are employed.
I don't have a job... yet. I've been actively searching for a good three/four months. That's a lot of waiting by my phone, obsessively checking my email, teachers-teachers and edjoin. And a lot of pep talks from Dad which essentially are the same things on repeat.
I had a "come to Jesus" moment probably about three weeks after I moved to CA. It was really hard to switch gears... and I had to let a lot of notions go. For example... the thought that if I didn't get hired as a music teacher somewhere, I was a failure.
Let me tell you, that was hard to swallow, but I did it. Nowhere does it say that my success is incumbent on teaching music in the school year 2012-2013. On a side note: I really would really love to teach music this school year. Just throwing that out there...
And I guess that's the piece of advice I'll give out today. The stupid motivational quotes about having the right attitude, that if it doesn't work out it's not supposed to... they have a point. Because, I believe, when push comes to shove, everybody will find where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. As long as they aren't a hermit or something ridiculous like that...
And another side note: it doesn't count if you use it as an excuse to not do anything at all.
I've got my fair share of ashes over the last year and a half. More than my fair share, I think. But, in and amongst those ashes are things that we can take with us, to make us better people. I do have to say this: I wanted to beat everyone who told me that. I feel this is something we all have to come to in our own time. There is a lesson in everything - and that's a Gift. Imagine a world where that wasn't possible... when circumstances do not turn out in your favor, to just be left at the mercy of those consequences.
pffft I like the idea that we become even better people because of those experiences...
You know what I can't take with me that are left in the ashes? Things that I wanted and loved. Making a life in the eastern part of the US, perhaps even finding a job this year period, having an opportunity to be with a man I cared a ridiculous amount about, being closer friends with Keke... not having a summer where the temperature is over 110 degrees for about a month and a half. haha
Those are so hard to let go. I'm not to the point where I can say "I wouldn't trade all those experiences for anything else," because I want to. So. Much. But holding on to ideas like that make me crazy.
Trying to embrace the other aspects of life at the moment. Of course, not giving up the mad searching for the job, and juggling the question of "Katy... you've just moved back to Barstow, what are you going to do next?" And that attitude alone has me smiling more often.
But it's a journey, right? Sure... whatever. :)
I'm only 23 for crying out loud...
LOVE
I guess you could say I'm a little gun shy to announce anything remotely controversial over facebook/twitter since my move to Pittsburgh post blew up in my face and I ended up puking my guts out. That's a story that doesn't need to be told again... and there's quite a few steps in between posting that I was moving to PA and then ending up in the hospital... twice. :S Anyway... onward...
But moving back to Barstow wasn't exactly what I had in mind when my parents and I moved me and all my stuff to Pittsburgh back in December. It wasn't what I had in mind when I found my jobs, won the battle to get my teaching credential, or when I went to WV for a job fair. And it definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I started applying for teaching jobs or when I had to make a make-shift plan for the summer.
But here's the bottom line, when me finding a music teaching job became second, and third to feeling like I needed to move out and "pay the bills," and that just finding any employment that could do that was the number one priority... it was obvious it was headed for disaster. Then was not the time.
Take that with a grain of salt... for what it's worth. But that's essentially why I moved back across the flipping country.
During my freshmen year at SUU I realized something about people... most people don't know what they want to study and major in when they're 18 years old. I was truly lucky to have a clear path - when I was 13 I made the decision to start doing my homework and go to college and major in music... performance. I also count myself incredibly fortunate that not only do I love it with a passion not much in my life compares to, but I'm good at it. I "get it." I don't have to try hard to understand the concepts.
I mean... don't get me wrong, I still worked my freaking butt off the whole time, but I wasn't having to fight with myself.
So when I graduated, naturally, I had an idea of what life was going to be like afterward. My idea of what life would be like after graduation really only had one purpose: to motivate me to finish. Because nothing was how I thought it would be.
School has always been "easy" or rather, something I've always been able to enjoy. And I think of employment as an extension of school...
Which is the other point I want to blog a little bit about in this post. haha
Barstow High School started today. The schools in Iron County started Wednesday. My fellow SUU graduates are employed.
I don't have a job... yet. I've been actively searching for a good three/four months. That's a lot of waiting by my phone, obsessively checking my email, teachers-teachers and edjoin. And a lot of pep talks from Dad which essentially are the same things on repeat.
I had a "come to Jesus" moment probably about three weeks after I moved to CA. It was really hard to switch gears... and I had to let a lot of notions go. For example... the thought that if I didn't get hired as a music teacher somewhere, I was a failure.
Let me tell you, that was hard to swallow, but I did it. Nowhere does it say that my success is incumbent on teaching music in the school year 2012-2013. On a side note: I really would really love to teach music this school year. Just throwing that out there...
And I guess that's the piece of advice I'll give out today. The stupid motivational quotes about having the right attitude, that if it doesn't work out it's not supposed to... they have a point. Because, I believe, when push comes to shove, everybody will find where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. As long as they aren't a hermit or something ridiculous like that...
And another side note: it doesn't count if you use it as an excuse to not do anything at all.
I've got my fair share of ashes over the last year and a half. More than my fair share, I think. But, in and amongst those ashes are things that we can take with us, to make us better people. I do have to say this: I wanted to beat everyone who told me that. I feel this is something we all have to come to in our own time. There is a lesson in everything - and that's a Gift. Imagine a world where that wasn't possible... when circumstances do not turn out in your favor, to just be left at the mercy of those consequences.
pffft I like the idea that we become even better people because of those experiences...
You know what I can't take with me that are left in the ashes? Things that I wanted and loved. Making a life in the eastern part of the US, perhaps even finding a job this year period, having an opportunity to be with a man I cared a ridiculous amount about, being closer friends with Keke... not having a summer where the temperature is over 110 degrees for about a month and a half. haha
Those are so hard to let go. I'm not to the point where I can say "I wouldn't trade all those experiences for anything else," because I want to. So. Much. But holding on to ideas like that make me crazy.
Trying to embrace the other aspects of life at the moment. Of course, not giving up the mad searching for the job, and juggling the question of "Katy... you've just moved back to Barstow, what are you going to do next?" And that attitude alone has me smiling more often.
But it's a journey, right? Sure... whatever. :)
I'm only 23 for crying out loud...
LOVE
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Motivating (hopefully) Thoughts on Being "Fat"
So.
It's been a while, and I honestly haven't wanted to share what's been going on in my life the last few months or so. But this week my parents are at the beach, camping. And I'm here watching Marley and taking care of the house.
And because I'm STILL in what I call "a transition" between graduating from SUU and FINALLY finishing my teaching license stuff and being a cotton pickin' adult (with a job and bills and my own dog), I haven't had a lot going on on a daily basis.
So this morning I read something off of Zooey Deschanel's facebook (oddly enough). P.S. She would be the actress I would want to play me if my life ever turned into a TV Show (Music of Our Lives) or a Movie. Tina Fey would be Tamara... anyway... not the point....
Link to Article
Read it if you want, or not. But it talks about this amazing gorgeous supermodel, Kate Upton, and how there is a community blog about being skinny. And on said blog they called Upton a squished brick.
While reading that article I started thinking about my friends. Because I have quite a few friends who are trying, nay, struggling to lose weight. I find myself having a lot of conversations recently about dieting, and exercising and feeling like a beached whale. My advice has always been the same. But before I get to that I do have my own theories and thoughts on society and what we consider to be attractive.
As a woman of 6'1" I feel huge. All the time. I'm never sure what to do with my elbows or my knees. This leaks over in how I feel about dating. I need to feel smaller, and therefore more feminine, than the guy I am with. In fact, it feels amazing to me. And "tall" is another characteristic just like "nice" or "funny" that I look for in guys. Because I think it's incredibly sexy. I am aware that it's also a societal norm. It's just sort of... not normal to see a tall girl be with a guy who is shorter than her. Perhaps just a smidge shorter, but not more than one or two inches.
But, a few years ago I had this horrid thought flit across my mind and it was stuck on repeat. Not only was I taller than most guys, I was getting a little heavy. And I kid you not... that felt about 20 times worse than knowing I will never be shorter.
So, I decided to do something about it. And, like every other woman I know, I tried two things. Dieting and Exercising.
Most of you who bother to read this blog already know how I feel about both of those. I hate both of them. I love me some Pizza. And some Dr. freaking Pepper. And some Chocolate. And I would rather die than be all hot and sweaty enough times a week to burn off the fat on my body for fast results. I freaking hate sweating. And when I do physical activities simply to lose weight I get really disinterested and kind of moody.
I tried to give up all of that for a month (back in the early months of 2010) and I hated every single second of it. I hated getting up early to work out, and I hated the work out in and of itself. And, for the love, I just wanted some Dr. Pepper. Without the side of guilt, please!
A day not too far in the future from that point I remembered something that changed the way I approached things. I took a Nutrition class when I was a Sophomore at SUU, and most of the science stuff was over my head BUT I do remember my professor saying something along these lines:
So I literally said "To hell with the dieting and exercising. It's time to make some real life changes." Because, let's face it. How many of us who are in the position of needing to lose weight really WANT to exercise three or four times a week? I have NEVER done that. I don't WANT to do that.
So I'm not going to.
Instead, I made smaller decisions. Like making sure I got ready for my early classes more consistently on time so that I could walk to class instead of drive. I do love walking - especially around SUU and in Cedar City. I decided I needed to stop eating when I was bored - to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. To not eat late at night.
I could go into more details but that's not my point. I started losing the weight, and developing habits that will help keep me on the thin side for my entire life.
I don't weigh myself, but I have gone down in everything clothing by one size. But it did something else for me, too. I stand up straighter, I walk into a room with more confidence. I feel better, because I'm more healthy.
But with that comes exceptions. Sometimes I still feel huge - probably because I tower over most other women. But I'm still not what some people would call skinny.
My feisty side says "I'm skinny enough." But I know how hard that is to say when it really counts.
So. All of this leads up to my question: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are my beautiful friends killing themselves to be thin, but once they stop dieting and exercising they gain in ALL BACK... and then some?
What kind of life can you live with that kind of pressure?
I was talking to my cousin the other day in the pool, and she said "Katy, I didn't even realize how small I was when I was small." And we're talking about a 60lb difference between her when she was "small" and her now. She was also talking about how she has no more motivation, but came to a conclusion: that she was going to "think skinny."
And I've got another friend who has her own blog about losing weight, and some of the first things she posted were about how hard it was for her to stay motivated because she wasn't seeing the results she wanted. And how difficult it is on her to make the changes.
And sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see are the places on my body that have fat. The stretch marks that I say "are because I shot up like a weed" when I grew up to make myself feel better (even though that is the truth). And how much it bothers me that my mom says things to people that imply I am chunky, or that I will never be "skinny," because of the way I'm built?
And then to read that there are people out there who think that Kate Upton looks like a squashed brick? If that gorgeous, curvy woman is a squashed brick.... dear lord, what am I? What are my kind-hearted, beautiful, warm, and talented friends? ...Beached Whales?
Excuse my language. But whoever said that can go to Hell.
So, ladies. Here's my mantra:
- Lose weight for no one else but you.
- Make decisions that will aid in keeping you healthy for the rest of your life.
- Eat the chocolate, and the pizza, and the CARBS!!! But in moderation.
- Eat your veggies :P
- Stay active. Don't be a couch potato (although that's what I'm doing currently)
And when you lose your first 10lbs, or your last 10lbs, or when you go down a size in your clothing: Celebrate what you accomplished. Have a cupcake! Whatever!!!
Surround yourself with positive influences, and don't put a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself.
A woman who loves herself and is confident and classy is more attractive than the skinniest, boniest girl out there who still thinks she's not thin enough.
LOVE!
It's been a while, and I honestly haven't wanted to share what's been going on in my life the last few months or so. But this week my parents are at the beach, camping. And I'm here watching Marley and taking care of the house.
And because I'm STILL in what I call "a transition" between graduating from SUU and FINALLY finishing my teaching license stuff and being a cotton pickin' adult (with a job and bills and my own dog), I haven't had a lot going on on a daily basis.
So this morning I read something off of Zooey Deschanel's facebook (oddly enough). P.S. She would be the actress I would want to play me if my life ever turned into a TV Show (Music of Our Lives) or a Movie. Tina Fey would be Tamara... anyway... not the point....
Link to Article
Read it if you want, or not. But it talks about this amazing gorgeous supermodel, Kate Upton, and how there is a community blog about being skinny. And on said blog they called Upton a squished brick.
While reading that article I started thinking about my friends. Because I have quite a few friends who are trying, nay, struggling to lose weight. I find myself having a lot of conversations recently about dieting, and exercising and feeling like a beached whale. My advice has always been the same. But before I get to that I do have my own theories and thoughts on society and what we consider to be attractive.
As a woman of 6'1" I feel huge. All the time. I'm never sure what to do with my elbows or my knees. This leaks over in how I feel about dating. I need to feel smaller, and therefore more feminine, than the guy I am with. In fact, it feels amazing to me. And "tall" is another characteristic just like "nice" or "funny" that I look for in guys. Because I think it's incredibly sexy. I am aware that it's also a societal norm. It's just sort of... not normal to see a tall girl be with a guy who is shorter than her. Perhaps just a smidge shorter, but not more than one or two inches.
But, a few years ago I had this horrid thought flit across my mind and it was stuck on repeat. Not only was I taller than most guys, I was getting a little heavy. And I kid you not... that felt about 20 times worse than knowing I will never be shorter.
So, I decided to do something about it. And, like every other woman I know, I tried two things. Dieting and Exercising.
Most of you who bother to read this blog already know how I feel about both of those. I hate both of them. I love me some Pizza. And some Dr. freaking Pepper. And some Chocolate. And I would rather die than be all hot and sweaty enough times a week to burn off the fat on my body for fast results. I freaking hate sweating. And when I do physical activities simply to lose weight I get really disinterested and kind of moody.
I tried to give up all of that for a month (back in the early months of 2010) and I hated every single second of it. I hated getting up early to work out, and I hated the work out in and of itself. And, for the love, I just wanted some Dr. Pepper. Without the side of guilt, please!
A day not too far in the future from that point I remembered something that changed the way I approached things. I took a Nutrition class when I was a Sophomore at SUU, and most of the science stuff was over my head BUT I do remember my professor saying something along these lines:
*** That losing weight is simply a matter of burning off more calories than consumed. And you can eat anything you want, in moderation, without it severely affecting your body.***
So I literally said "To hell with the dieting and exercising. It's time to make some real life changes." Because, let's face it. How many of us who are in the position of needing to lose weight really WANT to exercise three or four times a week? I have NEVER done that. I don't WANT to do that.
So I'm not going to.
Instead, I made smaller decisions. Like making sure I got ready for my early classes more consistently on time so that I could walk to class instead of drive. I do love walking - especially around SUU and in Cedar City. I decided I needed to stop eating when I was bored - to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. To not eat late at night.
I could go into more details but that's not my point. I started losing the weight, and developing habits that will help keep me on the thin side for my entire life.
I don't weigh myself, but I have gone down in everything clothing by one size. But it did something else for me, too. I stand up straighter, I walk into a room with more confidence. I feel better, because I'm more healthy.
But with that comes exceptions. Sometimes I still feel huge - probably because I tower over most other women. But I'm still not what some people would call skinny.
My feisty side says "I'm skinny enough." But I know how hard that is to say when it really counts.
So. All of this leads up to my question: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are my beautiful friends killing themselves to be thin, but once they stop dieting and exercising they gain in ALL BACK... and then some?
What kind of life can you live with that kind of pressure?
I was talking to my cousin the other day in the pool, and she said "Katy, I didn't even realize how small I was when I was small." And we're talking about a 60lb difference between her when she was "small" and her now. She was also talking about how she has no more motivation, but came to a conclusion: that she was going to "think skinny."
And I've got another friend who has her own blog about losing weight, and some of the first things she posted were about how hard it was for her to stay motivated because she wasn't seeing the results she wanted. And how difficult it is on her to make the changes.
And sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see are the places on my body that have fat. The stretch marks that I say "are because I shot up like a weed" when I grew up to make myself feel better (even though that is the truth). And how much it bothers me that my mom says things to people that imply I am chunky, or that I will never be "skinny," because of the way I'm built?
And then to read that there are people out there who think that Kate Upton looks like a squashed brick? If that gorgeous, curvy woman is a squashed brick.... dear lord, what am I? What are my kind-hearted, beautiful, warm, and talented friends? ...Beached Whales?
Excuse my language. But whoever said that can go to Hell.
So, ladies. Here's my mantra:
- Lose weight for no one else but you.
- Make decisions that will aid in keeping you healthy for the rest of your life.
- Eat the chocolate, and the pizza, and the CARBS!!! But in moderation.
- Eat your veggies :P
- Stay active. Don't be a couch potato (although that's what I'm doing currently)
And when you lose your first 10lbs, or your last 10lbs, or when you go down a size in your clothing: Celebrate what you accomplished. Have a cupcake! Whatever!!!
Surround yourself with positive influences, and don't put a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself.
A woman who loves herself and is confident and classy is more attractive than the skinniest, boniest girl out there who still thinks she's not thin enough.
And, you know. Having curves won't kill you either. :)
LOVE!
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