Announcement

So ... I'm not going to lie...

I'm in posting this story of sorts to alleviate some guilt I am feeling this morning. I'm "announcing" that I am taking a step back from the LDS church for a definite amount of time - I'm thinking six months.

The emotion that initially follows this statement is exhaustion and relief. And I'd like to share enough of my story to help my friends who may read this better understand my decision.

First of all I want to start out with: I have emotional/social baggage because of my personal experience being born and raised in the LDS Church. This baggage is not based on Gospel Doctrine - it is based on the Mormon Culture.

The earliest memory I have of feeling inadequate or different was when I had just turned twelve. I was "going out" with a mormon boy in my ward, and I had heard through the grapevine that his father thought I was a flirt.

Truth: I was so shy I don't think I actually said two words to this boy while we were "boyfriend girlfriend."

What perhaps my nonmember friends need to understand is that when you are twelve, it is frowned upon to date, even though I hardly consider what this boy and I were doing, "dating."

... but the magic age in the LDS religion is sixteen. So, we were being rebels. 

So, when I turned sixteen it was okay to date, but not to "pair off." I never did understand this fully, but it was discussed at General Conference, so me being the stalwart youth obeyed. It helped that I didn't really like very many guys. The 3 boys I liked throughout my HS career were not LDS and it didn't work with any of them for reasons I no longer care about or really remember. 

I also want to mention I felt like it was frowned upon that I did not go to Mutual, but instead attended my dad's BCC Concert Band. I do not think my leaders knew they played a role in my feelings of inadequacy. I thought there was something wrong with me that I'd rather go explore my God-given talent than go to Mutual. 

So off to college I went: to UTAH. Where I just knew I would start dating because that's what LDS singles do. We date! :)

No... we don't.

As I continued going to church in Utah the feelings of inadequacy grew to shame and guilt. I was not dating anyone, I was increasingly disenchanted with attending a Singles Ward and believed there must be something wrong with me. I must not have been Spiritual enough, or short enough, or outdoorsy enough. Or skinny enough, or  home-maker-y enough, or docile enough.

Think that sounds like a bunch of crap? Well. You're right. It is. 

But those feeling were very real to me. And it took me the better part of my 4 and a half years in Cedar City to even start to overcome my issues.

One of the biggest things that has helped me overcome this baggage was that I stopped asking myself "What's wrong with me?" and worked on loving myself the way that I am.

I'm a little antisocial. I'd rather play my flute above ANY church activity during the week. I want to approach the Gospel as a History Lesson - events that actually happened and were real. That these people lived and the things they did and said actually happened... and I think that "following the promptings of the Holy Ghost" during a lesson so that people in the class can pretend to be spiritually high and mighty is a crock. 

I am drawn to people who are "real." And by that I mean people who are themselves, that do not have a secret personality. I do not respond well to being told that my Divine place in life is to be a Mother and stay home while my husband brings in the money. Let me clarify: I want to have a husband and children and they will be my highest priorities. However, I will never, ever, stop being involved in the Music scene. I need it. My soul needs to express itself through music. I will never give it up to stay at home 100% of the time with my future children. My husband will be my partner, and we will enable each other to be as happy and fulfilled as we possibly can be. 

I'm 6' tall and I don't overly enjoy being outdoors. Sure I'll camp, and I'll swim, and occasionally hike but I'm not a Girl Scout and I feel like that is on most of the Mormon boys criteria that I've interacted with. Are you starting to understand my feelings of inadequacy?

I realized 3 years ago that being LDS and being a Good Person are not equivalent. I've met real jerks who are in good standing in the LDS church. I have met kind, warm and loving families who are not part of any organized religion. In fact, generally speaking, those kind and loving people who are not LDS have less "hang ups" in my experience.

I'm turning 25 in January and I'm not married - I do not feel old in the slightest, and I sure as heck don't feel ready to intertwine my life with someone else's so fully as is required to in marriages. But I go to church and I'm taught by people who are younger than me, and guest speakers come and tell us about their perfect story of serving missions and finding each other immediately at BYU and getting married in the temple six months later.

Congratulations, but that's not my life. 

I am dating a "non-member." And it physically hurts me to refer to him as such. Because he's not a "non LDS person." He is a person. He is a volunteer on the Basin Ambulance and Fire Department. He is a substitute teacher. He is a farmer. He is a small business owner. He is an Eagle Scout. He is honest. He is hard-working. He is compassionate. He is eccentric. He is funny. He takes care of me. He makes me feel like I can do anything. He is a blessing.

He is not a non member. He is a good person. 

I am a good person.

And I'm tired of having self ridden guilt and shame spawned by Mormon Culture principles.

So. Until I can sort out within myself, what exactly it means to be a member of the LDS Faith and make choices that I believe with my very soul to be the correct ones, and the ones Heavenly Father would have me do, yet hear at church how nothing is acceptable except marrying a returned missionary priesthood holder in the Temple ASAP (and if you don't do this Satan has a hold on your life), I am not going on Sundays.

I won't. I can't.

I have every intention of attending eventually. I do not wish to turn my back on a religion that has taught me a lot of things that shape the kind of person I am today. 

Please understand this is only one part of the story that has led me to make this decision. The only part that I feel comfortable enough to post on the internet :)

And I am asking for respect over this decision.

I have to breathe.

Seriously...

Well, well, well. It's been a good... I don't know, 9 months since I have let anyone know anything on this blog...?

I guess I'm going to have to start with moving up here to Oregon. Yes, Oregon.

I am working as the District Music Teacher in Tulelake, California.

Yes, there are people in California north of Redding.
No, you cannot possibly get any farther north than Tulelake, CA and still be in California.

Tulelake is a town of about 1,000 people. So, I decided that perhaps it would be best if I lived in the nearest civilization that had a Wal Mart... and some stop lights. Hence... Klamath Falls, Oregon. With no sales tax and where the vehicle registration is cheaper and lasts longer...

I have to mention that while I "live" in Klamath Falls, the majority of my life has developed in Tulelake. I find this incredibly ironic since I thought my best chances at having a "life" would be in Klamath Falls. I eat, sleep, and go to church in Klamath. That's about it.

Obviously, my job is in Tule. But my friends (who happen to be my colleagues) are in Tule... with exception of those I have met at the Singles Branch. And my boyfriend is in Tule. Actually... he pretty much lives ten seconds away from the State Line. Seriously. I told you... you can't get any further north in California than Tule. (He also volunteers on the ambulance among about ten billion other things and is quite possibly, the best person I've met...)

I do like living in Klamath, however. The half hour drive is a really nice prep in the morning, and unwind on the way home. If I lived in Tulelake I don't think I'd ever stop working. Which apparently is a problem some first year teachers have. It's a couple of weeks into the fourth quarter and I'm just now feeling like I have found my groove in all of my classes... don't make fun. I will NOT burn out. Burning out is no bueno.

Anyway...

I teach a wide variety of music education.

Everyday I start with my High School Band... which consists of ten 7th graders, one 8th grader and three 11th graders. I love them. Although I have been starting sentences with "I thought I asked you to leave the obnoxious seventh grade boy trait at the door..." but, hey, it's both out of exasperation and affection...

I have a 6th grade Advanced Band who are rather gifted. But if you were to ask me which age group I have felt the most growing pains with... it would be the 6th grade. In particular, the Advanced Band. Rough transition, but really great kids with wonderful potential.

And my 5th Grade Beginning Band is very typical. When I think of all the progress we have made (in only two full quarters at the moment since we started in October due to my late hire), it blows my mind. However, there was a point where I would have imploded if I had to explain Space Face, Every Good Boy Does Fine, All Cows Eat Grass and Gummy Bears Do Fly Airplanes another time...

I see every grade a the Elementary School (K-6) weekly for a general music class. And there's a crap load of potential in having that as part of my assignment. Just think... not having to introduce notated music in Beginning Band for the first time ever. It's exciting stuff, let me tell ya... 

And, holy cow, my favorite class the last few months have been my Second Graders. Smart cookies, they are. And they love to sing. It's a wonderful balance.

I also teach the entire 4th grade Violin. Which has been quite an adventure, but in a good way.

PLUS they renewed my contract for next year. Which means, I get another year to show how important Music Ed is and give everyone in the community a reason to be proud of their children involved.

Enough about my job, though. That's just standard operating procedure: catch everyone up... check.

What I want to write about this afternoon is that if you were to ask me, nine months ago, if I were to feel this much better about pretty much EVERYTHING... I would've laughed, almost bitterly. 

Which brings me to say that I know people around my age, the people that are trying to figure out what to do with their lives, are struggling. It felt like everything after my college graduation was just a gigantic struggle. With the glaringly obvious exception of my experience student teaching. But my health, the state of my emotions, what I thought of myself, and trying to find a job... that crap can tear you down.

Now I feel like I'm standing on the other side of the fence marked "Doing What You Love to Do," so I can say that it does get better. If you don't give up, things get better. There's an answer out there for you. But I also know that if you allow yourself to be tied down by "what if"s and toxic relationships of any kind, you will never be open to the new people and the new experiences that can enrich your life. The kind of people that make you look back and go, "I was settling for that?" or "All of the sudden not only is all the struggling worth it, but it's all okay. I'm not angry anymore. I don't hurt anymore."

It's just advice from a 24 yr-old first-year Music Teacher, but sometimes the right decisions are the ones that make you cry, and hurt the most. But, a very dear man in my life has said to me multiple times, sometimes the risks have the most rewards in the end. 

It breaks my heart to see some of my friends be okay with coming up short, or settling for meaningless affection or meaningless anything. In the same breath, it drives me crazy when said friends complain about being unhappy.

You have to power to change your life around. Grow up. Make the hard choices. Cry about them. Kick and scream, I don't care. Just shed yourself of the crap and get further in your life.

*sighs*

The End.

Paths

Alright, so for some reason I feel a little guilty this morning. Why, you ask? Because I moved back to California and only told a handful of people. While those who bother to realize, figured it out, I do want to blog a little bit about it.

I guess you could say I'm a little gun shy to announce anything remotely controversial over facebook/twitter since my move to Pittsburgh post blew up in my face and I ended up puking my guts out. That's a story that doesn't need to be told again... and there's quite a few steps in between posting that I was moving to PA and then ending up in the hospital... twice. :S Anyway... onward...

But moving back to Barstow wasn't exactly what I had in mind when my parents and I moved me and all my stuff to Pittsburgh back in December. It wasn't what I had in mind when I found my jobs, won the battle to get my teaching credential, or when I went to WV for a job fair. And it definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I started applying for teaching jobs or when I had to make a make-shift plan for the summer.

But here's the bottom line, when me finding a music teaching job became second, and third to feeling like I needed to move out and "pay the bills," and that just finding any employment that could do that was the number one priority... it was obvious it was headed for disaster. Then was not the time.

Take that with a grain of salt... for what it's worth. But that's essentially why I moved back across the flipping country.

During my freshmen year at SUU I realized something about people... most people don't know what they want to study and major in when they're 18 years old. I was truly lucky to have a clear path - when I was 13 I made the decision to start doing my homework and go to college and major in music... performance. I also count myself incredibly fortunate that not only do I love it with a passion not much in my life compares to, but I'm good at it. I "get it." I don't have to try hard to understand the concepts.

I mean... don't get me wrong, I still worked my freaking butt off the whole time, but I wasn't having to fight with myself. 

So when I graduated, naturally, I had an idea of what life was going to be like afterward. My idea of what life would be like after graduation really only had one purpose: to motivate me to finish. Because nothing was how I thought it would be.

School has always been "easy" or rather, something I've always been able to enjoy. And I think of employment as an extension of school...

Which is the other point I want to blog a little bit about in this post. haha

Barstow High School started today. The schools in Iron County started Wednesday. My fellow SUU graduates are employed.

I don't have a job... yet. I've been actively searching for a good three/four months. That's a lot of waiting by my phone, obsessively checking my email, teachers-teachers and edjoin. And a lot of pep talks from Dad which essentially are the same things on repeat. 

I had a "come to Jesus" moment probably about three weeks after I moved to CA. It was really hard to switch gears... and I had to let a lot of notions go. For example... the thought that if I didn't get hired as a music teacher somewhere, I was a failure.

Let me tell you, that was hard to swallow, but I did it. Nowhere does it say that my success is incumbent on teaching music in the school year 2012-2013. On a side note: I really would really love to teach music this school year. Just throwing that out there...

And I guess that's the piece of advice I'll give out today. The stupid motivational quotes about having the right attitude, that if it doesn't work out it's not supposed to... they have a point. Because, I believe, when push comes to shove, everybody will find where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. As long as they aren't a hermit or something ridiculous like that...

And another side note: it doesn't count if you use it as an excuse to not do anything at all. 

I've got my fair share of ashes over the last year and a half. More than my fair share, I think. But, in and amongst those ashes are things that we can take with us, to make us better people. I do have to say this: I wanted to beat everyone who told me that. I feel this is something we all have to come to in our own time. There is a lesson in everything - and that's a Gift. Imagine a world where that wasn't possible... when circumstances do not turn out in your favor, to just be left at the mercy of those consequences.

pffft I like the idea that we become even better people because of those experiences... 

You know what I can't take with me that are left in the ashes? Things that I wanted and loved. Making a life in the eastern part of the US, perhaps even finding a job this year period, having an opportunity to be with a man I cared a ridiculous amount about, being closer friends with Keke... not having a summer  where the temperature is over 110 degrees for about a month and a half. haha

Those are so hard to let go. I'm not to the point where I can say "I wouldn't trade all those experiences for anything else," because I want to. So. Much. But holding on to ideas like that make me crazy.

Trying to embrace the other aspects of life at the moment. Of course, not giving up the mad searching for the job, and juggling the question of "Katy... you've just moved back to Barstow, what are you going to do next?" And that attitude alone has me smiling more often.

  But it's a journey, right? Sure... whatever. :)

I'm only 23 for crying out loud...

LOVE

Motivating (hopefully) Thoughts on Being "Fat"

So.

It's been a while, and I honestly haven't wanted to share what's been going on in my life the last few months or so. But this week my parents are at the beach, camping. And I'm here watching Marley and taking care of the house.

And because I'm STILL in what I call "a transition" between graduating from SUU and FINALLY finishing my teaching license stuff and being a cotton pickin' adult (with a job and bills and my own dog), I haven't had a lot going on on a daily basis.

So this morning I read something off of Zooey Deschanel's facebook (oddly enough). P.S. She would be the actress I would want to play me if my life ever turned into a TV Show (Music of Our Lives) or a Movie. Tina Fey would be Tamara... anyway... not the point....

Link to Article

Read it if you want, or not. But it talks about this amazing gorgeous supermodel, Kate Upton, and how there is a community blog about being skinny. And on said blog they called Upton a squished brick.

While reading that article I started thinking about my friends. Because I have quite a few friends who are trying, nay, struggling to lose weight. I find myself having a lot of conversations recently about dieting, and exercising and feeling like a beached whale. My advice has always been the same. But before I get to that I do have my own theories and thoughts on society and what we consider to be attractive.

As a woman of 6'1" I feel huge. All the time. I'm never sure what to do with my elbows or my knees. This leaks over in how I feel about dating. I need to feel smaller, and therefore more feminine, than the guy I am with. In fact, it feels amazing to me. And "tall" is another characteristic just like "nice" or "funny" that I look for in guys. Because I think it's incredibly sexy. I am aware that it's also a societal norm. It's just sort of... not normal to see a tall girl be with a guy who is shorter than her. Perhaps just a smidge shorter, but not more than one or two inches.

But, a few years ago I had this horrid thought flit across my mind and it was stuck on repeat. Not only was I taller than most guys, I was getting a little heavy. And I kid you not... that felt about 20 times worse than knowing I will never be shorter.

So, I decided to do something about it. And, like every other woman I know, I tried two things. Dieting and Exercising.

Most of you who bother to read this blog already know how I feel about both of those. I hate both of them. I love me some Pizza. And some Dr. freaking Pepper. And some Chocolate. And I would rather die than be all hot and sweaty enough times a week to burn off the fat on my body for fast results. I freaking hate sweating. And when I do physical activities simply to lose weight I get really disinterested and kind of moody.

I tried to give up all of that for a month (back in the early months of 2010) and I hated every single second of it. I hated getting up early to work out, and I hated the work out in and of itself. And, for the love, I just wanted some Dr. Pepper. Without the side of guilt, please!

A day not too far in the future from that point I remembered something that changed the way I approached things. I took a Nutrition class when I was a Sophomore at SUU, and most of the science stuff was over my head BUT I do remember my professor saying something along these lines:

*** That losing weight is simply a matter of burning off more calories than consumed. And you can eat anything you want, in moderation, without it severely affecting your body.***

So I literally said "To hell with the dieting and exercising. It's time to make some real life changes." Because, let's face it. How many of us who are in the position of needing to lose weight really WANT to exercise three or four times a week? I have NEVER done that. I don't WANT to do that.

So I'm not going to.

Instead, I made smaller decisions. Like making sure I got ready for my early classes more consistently on time so that I could walk to class instead of drive. I do love walking - especially around SUU and in Cedar City. I decided I needed to stop eating when I was bored - to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full. To not eat late at night.

I could go into more details but that's not my point. I started losing the weight, and developing habits that will help keep me on the thin side for my entire life.

I don't weigh myself, but I have gone down in everything clothing by one size. But it did something else for me, too. I stand up straighter, I walk into a room with more confidence. I feel better, because I'm more healthy.

But with that comes exceptions. Sometimes I still feel huge - probably because I tower over most other women. But I'm still not what some people would call skinny.

My feisty side says "I'm skinny enough." But I know how hard that is to say when it really counts.

So. All of this leads up to my question: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are my beautiful friends killing themselves to be thin, but once they stop dieting and exercising they gain in ALL BACK... and then some? 

What kind of life can you live with that kind of pressure? 

I was talking to my cousin the other day in the pool, and she said "Katy, I didn't even realize how small I was when I was small." And we're talking about a 60lb difference between her when she was "small" and her now. She was also talking about how she has no more motivation, but came to a conclusion: that she was going to "think skinny."

And I've got another friend who has her own blog about losing weight, and some of the first things she posted were about how hard it was for her to stay motivated because she wasn't seeing the results she wanted. And how difficult it is on her to make the changes.

And sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see are the places on my body that have fat. The stretch marks that I say "are because I shot up like a weed" when I grew up to make myself feel better (even though that is the truth). And how much it bothers me that my mom says things to people that imply I am chunky, or that I will never be "skinny," because of the way I'm built?

And then to read that there are people out there who think that Kate Upton looks like a squashed brick? If that gorgeous, curvy woman is a squashed brick.... dear lord, what am I? What are my kind-hearted, beautiful, warm, and talented friends? ...Beached Whales? 

Excuse my language. But whoever said that can go to Hell.

So, ladies. Here's my mantra:

- Lose weight for no one else but you.
- Make decisions that will aid in keeping you healthy for the rest of your life.
- Eat the chocolate, and the pizza, and the CARBS!!! But in moderation.
- Eat your veggies :P
- Stay active. Don't be a couch potato (although that's what I'm doing currently)

And when you lose your first 10lbs, or your last 10lbs, or when you go down a size in your clothing: Celebrate what you accomplished. Have a cupcake! Whatever!!!

Surround yourself with positive influences, and don't put a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself.

A woman who loves herself and is confident and classy is more attractive than the skinniest, boniest girl out there who still thinks she's not thin enough.

And, you know. Having curves won't kill you either. :)

LOVE!

PLT: Good for You -- I Don't Care

So. I took the PRAXIS: PLT 7-12 on Saturday which made last week and Saturday morning quite an adventure.

First of all -I studied. But I didn't really study so much as LAUGH at the notes I still had on my papers between Brandon and I. Here are some of them.

 I would like to take note, first, of the statement "Katy and Brandon Rock." And then bring your attention to how nerdy "classical actually means 1750-1800s" is.

Because, you see, we took Ed Psychology and Music History II at the same time, on the same days. Just Band and an hour of socializing was in between them. :) :)

But you know what? I know the difference between classical and operant conditioning. Thank you B. F. Skinner...

 Honestly, I'm not sure about the stalking statement. That seems more appropriate at a different time in my education at SUU with other people. Like Tiana and Rachel.

BUT "We should make a hit-list" is all about how we thought certain people in the class were ANNOYING.

Obviously Brandon was writing stuff on HIS notes, because this response to him is all I have.

"Good for you - I don't care." Brandon and my relationship summed up in a statement :)

And, it must be close to when I did that stupid project about Multiple Intelligences.





But aside from all of that I felt pretty prepared by the time I woke up on Saturday. That is, until I realized I had no No. 2 pencils. So --- I hopped in my Jeepy and drove to the dollar store... getting stuck behind old/stupid/slow people on the way. There are like 6 stop signs on the way to the shopping center that has Giant Eagle, my bank, and the Dollar Store and it takes like 15 minutes to get there. Drives me freaking crazy!!!!

So I go into the store, and think to myself "Why the heck do stores sell unsharpened pencils?"

This. I do NOT understand. I want the pencils... to write with. Sharpen them for heaven's sake. And by then I was feeling the clock ticking. The drive to University of Pitt would take more than 30 minutes from where I was. And I had to walk like 10-15 minutes to the building from where I parked. I was panicking a little.

So, after I bought a PLETHORA of unsharpened pencils and little sharpeners in shapes of hearts and stars I climbed in my car and at every red light I sharpened a pencil. So I had pencil shavings everywhere.

I also had this GRAND IDEA to share with people when I got there. Yeah... that didn't happen. My shy and nervous self was reigning.

But on the way there... I just wanted to scream. Construction on the Hot Metal Bridge, people being just dumb... (I think I have road rage). There was a string of pretty colorful language on the way there.

And I basically booked it to the building to take the test right after I parked in my church parking lot. Thanking the universe Oakland is where my church building, PPS, and the Univ of Pitt is.

I feel like I did pretty good on it. It was pretty taxing AND... they would have been able to provide me with pencils. I was the only person in the room taking that test (even though there were 20 of us in that particular room), and had to read most of the questions 3 and 4 times just to understand what the HECK it was actually asking. But... alas, I am still alive. With an overstock-age of pencils and sharpeners because I'm too shy.

Win or a Fail?

And don't get me started on the one-way streets :)

But for now, I've got a mangled fingernail to attend to.

Turnpikes and Nonsense

So, I went to Virginia this past weekend. I had not gone on a full blown trip with the Jeep, yet. All I know is that around Pittsburgh it takes more gas than I think is possible in that vehicle...

Anyway - I bit the bullet... sucked it up... and drove to Middletown, VA for a job fair. Six school districts were in attendance and there is a band opening in one of them - most of the others don't know their openings yet, and, as usual, it's always changing.

Anyway - I had tried to prepare to make this trip by myself, but GPS's are amazing at a couple of things:
1. Keeping me NOT lost.
2. Keeping me lazy and in the dark about exactly where I'll be driving until I'm in the car following the GPS.

I woke up at 4am. Not pretty (especially considering I worked until 11pm the night before) and looked somewhat alive, and ready to go and in the car by 5am. Then it took me 12 minutes to figure out why the GPS couldn't load the trip to VA... but, all is well. Learned something new!

And I was off! In the dark. Listening to Brian Regan, Savage Garden and Sara Bareilles.

And before I know it I'm pulling up to the Pennsylvania Turnpike... which is a toll road.

"Eh, how expensive can using this toll road be?" I thought to myself as I grabbed the ticket.

Then my GPS kindly reminded me I'd be on it for 105 miles.... fyi still not too bad but more than I expected.

After realizing the additional expense I started doing math in my head. And I have a confession -- I'm pretty good with mental math, but I have this annoying habit of over simplifying just so I don't get myself in trouble. It's when $14.50 gets rounded up to $20.00. And before I know it... I'm poor and I shouldn't have gotten on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. This is utter nonsense, mind you... 

And I look down at my gas gauge. Full. Good. As it should be.

So I was driving along and I remembered to reset my trip mileage... thingy. And I went about 10 more miles than the last time I had looked and evaluated my gas gauge. Still Full

Good. As it should be.

 Still on the Pennsylvania Turnpike... chuckling at Brian Regan:

"It's Carol-INE, Brian. Well, my name is BrrrriOn!"

Maybe had gone another 10 miles and I looked down at the gas gauge and... huh, I'm down two "clicks" (you know, those stupid little I-don't-know-whats in between the things that are really important like 3/4 of a tank or 1/2 of a tank). 

I only went 10 miles. *insert my nonsensical mental math here*

Oh my gosh. I'm going to have to fill it up like THREE TIMES!

So I proceed to watch my gas gauge literally go down to almost 3/4 of a tank in a grand total of 25 minutes. Or something like that. Way too fast, right!? I was still on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and there were signs letting me know that the next stop for gas was in like 80 miles. Then I start freaking out about the TOLL! So I looked on my toll ticket and got just a touch more annoyed at life.

I will have no money.

Here's the kicker. This is how my gas gauge works, apparently. Because more than 120 miles later, past the Pennsylvania Turnpike, through a marginal part of West Virginia, and in a very rural part of Virginia... I had a little bit more than half a tank left.

Good. As it should be.

In the Pitt

Warning: I have recently developed an addiction to those stupid pictures that are all over facebook and I can't help but incorporate the same idea into this blog. One, because I think it's funny. And Two, let's face it... I'm not that original.

So... it's been a while. A little over three months. I don't really know where to start but I do know that if there is such a thing that resembles a universal list of reasons to do things and reason to not do things I want to add these reasons if they are not currently already there:

Not Approved Reasons:
- Because of someone else.

Approved Reasons:

- Moving forward... even though it feels like there's an imaginary fist twisting my heart in my chest.
- Because the alternative makes me want to vomit.

I guess these are left up to individual opinions and circumstances. But I think they may be pretty universal. I've recently developed some more pet peeves as well. The reigning pet peeve is still: Cell phones during rehearsal. Makes the conductor turn into something that looks like this:

Not. Good. My last three band directors (current one in Pittsburgh, SUU, and Barstow High) have had more than one crap attack over cell phones in rehearsal. Scary stuff let me tell you... makes me highly uncomfortable.

The new and very relative pet peeve: when people don't listen to what I say to them. Any more explanation is too annoying for me to want to type and too personal to share on the internet anyway. 

Along the same lines... I substitute teach in the PP Schools. For those of you who don't know, or perhaps needs reminding. I grew up in.... da da-da daaaaa..... Barstow, CA

 

And went to College in the very beautiful Cedar City, UT

Not big cities or metropolis' by any stretch of the imagination.

However, now, I live here: Pittsburgh, PA

The schools are just a wee bit different. Right off the bat, guys, if I wanted to I could work five days a week subbing. In Iron County I was told to not expect too many jobs.

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is - you know, it takes a special educator to work inner-city schools. It takes an even more special, or perhaps, more desperate, human being to want to sub inner-city schools for longer than what is absolutely necessary.

I say this all, and think of all the really good schools I've seen. But my first two experiences were down right frightening. And every time I sub kids in high school all I hear is the F-bomb and the African American students in the room referring to themselves and their friends as "niggas."  
I can't stand that.  

Both words make my ears want to BLEED and the double standard on the second is too much for me to handle...

All Day. And some of the students get really pissed at me for getting on their case about it. Some students have attempted to turn it around on me. Which they don't get away with or succeed at. And others give me an excuse that seriously makes me sad for them "We're black... you can't ask us not to talk like that."

When that happens I usually try to just breathe. But honestly, I think at THAT particular comment I rolled my eyes.

On a more positive note (I get here eventually) I do like my job at Barnes and Noble. My co-workers are very kind and fun people. I've had a couple of rough shifts, but for the most part I do not have a problem whatsoever. Ignoring a few bumps in the road with getting recommendation for licensure from SUU... things are going well on that front currently. 

You know, I feel like this has been a rather depressing blog, but the last five months or so have been rather depressing. And if I look back as far as my student teaching I was kind of depressed then, too. Don't get me wrong... my student teaching is such a bright spot when I think about college and well... anything after May 2011. But when I would get home from student teaching... it sucked. *shrugs*

To be perfectly honest I find myself thinking about last Spring and how I couldn't wait for the semester to end... couldn't wait to graduate. Am I a freaking idiot? *shakes head* I do, however, have hope (in fact I'm really confident in this) that I will be able to find a job somewhere and I'll be doing something I want to do. Something that has some forward direction. 

Ha... I've been terminating a lot of stuff lately... 

I'm really looking forward to going to Virginia next weekend. I'm going to a career fair and will see some family. I don't really want to pay for the gas, but doing something like that is really just an investment into finding a job. Gotta do what I gotta do. 

And at the end of the month, the same day as BRANDON! (LOL) I am taking the cotton pickin' PLT... FINALLY. Grew tired of asking my parents for financial support. It's also just a big pain in the butt. Oddly enough though, the job fair and the prospect of having to study and take that last Praxis test... I'm finding it very calming. 

Probably because it's familiar... haven't had too much of that lately... 

A few weeks ago I felt like I had a routine going and time was passing quickly and things were rolling. Then I had to... well. That's not important. 

And now that I have efficiently rambled on and on and on... I think I'm done :)